


They love complicated.

by coffeelings



Category: Actor RPF, Kill Your Darlings (2013), Kill Your Darlings (2013) RPF, RPF - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, First Time, M/M, Oral Sex, RPF, Romance, Sexual Content, or really more just acted out oral sex???, symbolism or something, time skipping around from chapter to chapter, unrealistic uses of quotes from Kill Your Darlings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:09:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 21,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3572516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeelings/pseuds/coffeelings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is falling for a former co-star, one clarifying moment at a time.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. April 02, 2012 – Columbia Campus, NYC

**Author's Note:**

> SO okay right these are real people with real lives, and we should acknowledge this and do our best to respect these folks. I think those of us who write RPF know that, essentially, these are just made-up characters based on the images of real human beings. I take some comfort in the notion that technically celebrities do RPF when they do biopics or whatever??? Anyway.. I do not own anything at all ever with regards to the humans that are expanded upon in this fic. Forgive me padre...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The film that started it all.

He and Dane did it in a few takes, and it took about ten minutes total to wrap. Dan felt that he would never _quite_ get used to kissing or sex scenes, particularly for movies. There was always artificial lighting, cameras shoved in the face of himself and his fellow actor or actress, and several people watching intently as they fit their lips together over and over until the director was satisfied. During _Potter_ Dan felt like he was kissing his siblings, which was weird enough, and during _KYD_ he it took nearly all of his self control to help from bursting out laughing during the scene with Olen when John Krokidas shouted about “fucking sex kissing.” These things were anything but intimate in an objective sense, but normally came easily to him because he didn’t have to think as much. They were… mindless.

This one, however, was a bit different. Dan was completely wrapped up in his character, Allen Ginsberg, experiencing his schoolboy crush on the mysterious, enticing Lucien Carr, per their script. John yelled at them while they kissed on the first two takes to change up a couple of minor things, to be less timid. Third take was up. The sun was almost up, too. The camera was so close to his cheek.

Allen reached over and brushed Lu’s chin with his fingertip, and then Lucien slowly looked up at him with his lips parted in anticipation. Dan developed goosebumps every time Dane’s – Lucien’s – lashes pulled up slowly to reveal those unblinking blue eyes, fierce and questioning.

“First thought, best thought,” Allen whispered before leaning in. Their lips met once, gently, then again with more confidence. John still hadn’t shouted at them. The set was eerily quiet.

Then Lucien pulled back suddenly, searching Allen’s face, before Allen leaned back in. This time he kissed Lu’s upper lip before their mouths opened in tandem, and their tongues met, and the kiss quickly deepened. Dan didn’t know if anyone else could hear the faint, throaty noise Dane had made as they kissed harder. In that moment it was not simply Allen kissing Lucien, but Dan kissing Dane, ferociously, curling his fingers around his neck as his stomach twisted into hot knots. For the first time in Dan’s acting career, the lines blurred.

“ahhthinkIjus… puked on the inside…” Jack Kerouac said, and they jump apart. Dan’s heart was always beating in his ears at that part, particularly loudly during this take.  

John finally cut the scene without having said a word. Someone started clapping behind the camera. For a moment Dane and Dan looked at each other, silently, breathing a little fast as someone wolf whistled. Dane grinned broadly like he did after each take, but Dan sat up and immediately trudged to a nearby building. He lit a cigarette, his ears ringing. The film was done.

* * *

 

Dane, of course, was incredibly easy to talk to. They spent their first night on location together after that long day having their hair prepped for the film, getting to know each other until they fell asleep on the floor of the green room. Jack Huston woke them up at 5:40 AM the next morning by tossing pieces of a bagel from the breakfast spread at Dan’s new perm and Dane’s newly blonde hair. And then filming was easy, and their characters developed together, and they became close friends, and everything was over all too soon.

Dane as Lucien was mischievous, intense, absurd – _intoxicating_. Sure, he was acting, but Dan felt the performance was almost too convincing. The scene where Lucien, drunk, fell upon Allen’s lap – that was one of Dan’s favorites, moreso than the kiss, and maybe as much as their tripped out adventures and fight at the end of the film. Allen would snake his fingers into Lu’s blonde hair, and then suddenly Lucien would turn and look up at him. The camera never really caught how intensely they stared at each other in those few seconds before Lucien would turn his head and suck gently on Allen’s finger. The camera also failed to reveal John Krokidas screaming “finger suck” to cue Dane, but somehow Dan always felt they probably didn’t need the cue anyway.

Throughout the whirlwind of filming, Dan was often stuck somewhere between acting and living his own life as Dane’s blue eyes bored into him in scene after scene. Knots would grow in his stomach, and he’d give himself a few more minutes to catch his breath between takes. He wondered if Dane knew how little effort it was taking him to play his part. They had a deadline to meet, of course, but part of Dan was convinced they didn’t take long to film because they clearly _got_ each other, both as actors and friends, and for Dan, something on the outer edge of friendship.  

Dan generally considered himself heterosexual and historically had nearly always been attracted to women.

..nearly. 

Once when he was younger he looked at a wiry male model in some magazine and fantasized about kissing him. He shook it off at the time, but had since kept an open mind…

But then there was Erin, the beautiful brunette with incredible cheekbones that had to be from some other planet. Their talk was fun and easy and uncomplicated. With her, Dan could forget about the twisting feeling he’d develop in his gut when he thought too much about Dane. He fell for her quickly, because how could you _not_ make endless jokes about that scene where _your_ character is getting his first blow job from _her_ character?

 Maybe he fell for people easily. Maybe he was lucky enough to be surrounded by wonderful human beings. Whatever the case, when _Kill Your Darlings_ wrapped, Dan found himself asking Erin out to coffee. They didn’t really start dating steadily for another couple of months, but he knew his feelings for her were important. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly spent a lot of time researching that little slice of time when they rehearsed this, apparently it was one of the very last things they filmed. Song for this chapter - literally just the track Allen & Lucien from the KYD soundtrack.


	2. December 20, 2013 – Greenwich, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Erin walk through Greenwich while Dan does some thinking.

Snow was falling on Friday night in New York City, dusting the colored lights and numerous Christmas trees along bustling sidewalks. Christmas in Manhattan was a messy affair, primarily due to the chaos of millions of people trying to find just the right gift at just the last minute. This was advantageous, however, for people such as Dan and Erin, people that wanted to spend one of their precious few evenings together blending into the madness. They had been enjoying the evening window shopping together and were now headed to Dane and Anna’s to celebrate the holidays. Dan was mostly excited to relax in Dane’s apartment and goof off with everyone in the comfort of four walls without the possibility of being asked to take a selfie.

His mind had been wandering all evening, maybe because he hadn't seen Dane in a while. He kept thinking about the _Kill Your Darlings_ tour even though it had finished some time ago. It was hell of a good time, getting to see Dane and Jack and everyone again. Of course, nearly all the interviewers asked Dan and Dane about their romance in the film. From the first interview on they managed to strike a perfect balance of poking fun at how seriously the media took their single kiss, and how much they did genuinely enjoy working together, how easily they got along.

He kept thinking about the interview for GQ.

_“It is a weird thing when you’re constantly asked to analyze why you’re friends.”_

He kept thinking about the M. Ward song he recommended. People would likely assume it was something about his girlfriend, or just someone in his life. _Not entirely wrong_ , he thought. He’d been listening to it intermittently since _KYD_ because it was an excellent summary of the feelings he’d been squashing into a dark corner of his mind. 

“It’s _definitely_ Daniel Radcliffe!” he heard someone whisper behind him as they them made their way down the street. He pulled his fuzzy parka hood closer to his face and tightened his grip on Erin’s gloved hand. The paparazzi would be lurking. 

The best part about Erin was the way he could call her after a long day when he was far away, and their talk would inevitably flow for hours if they didn’t stop themselves to try to get a decent night’s sleep. A decent night’s sleep, though, wasn’t as fun as the talk, and certainly not as satisfying. They sent each other funny photos of each other at work. Erin didn’t mind that he smoked, but still called him on his unhealthy bullshit. They had been dating for over a year now, and were going strong. She became his best friend, and he was in love with her.

The worst part about Erin was that she was so wonderful, because when Dan thought about Dane, he knew it wasn’t fair to her. And Dan really did _think_ about him, intimately. Sometimes a week or two would go by before a thought would flash through Dan’s head, but it would briefly pull him into an intoxicating fantasy involving Dane’s bed and the two of them taking each other’s clothes off. 

The worst part about _everything_ was that Dan knew he had feelings for two people at once – his best friend, and his happily married former co-star. With time, perhaps, he would see Dane as his friend again, and the deeper feelings would fade.

He was particularly good at masking them. _Maybe too good._

Just as Dan was about to fall deeper into thought, he jumped at the flash of a nearby paparazzi camera. He swore and Erin tugged him along faster, the sound of 'Silver Bells' playing outside the bar they passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've only been to Manhattan once on a college band trip, and damn, that place is vast and beautiful and gross and a sensory overload. I loved the live music scene. This chapter is an imagining of the holiday season and first dip into what I can only imagine is just... the weird nature of being a celebrity and trying to just go about your own business.


	3. April 03, 2012 – 6:54 a.m, Columbia Campus, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Dane get coffee the morning after filming their KYD kissing scene.

“I can’t remember if I told you yesterday, but you’re a stellar kisser,” Dane grinned at him as he pulled on his coat.

“Likewise,” Dan retorted without missing a beat. Dane had in fact told him the kiss was good the night before, just before they went to bed, but Dan didn’t mind the repeated praise.

“Your American accent is really coming along,” Dane mused, breathing out slowly and watching his breath cloud up the air in front of his nose. “Kind of nasal…” he winked.

“Not my fault America’s predominant accent is so nasal,” Dan retorted and Dane shook his head, flashing him a smile. Dan ran a hand through his absurdly curly hair one too many times as they made their way over to a coffee place with Dane’s bodyguard, Stefan, without telling anyone. They were essentially done filming now, and they had time to escape for a few minutes. Dan hoped Jack and Ben wouldn’t be offended they went for caffeine without them.

“And I’m glad you’re done with those brown contacts,” Dane said absentmindedly as they approached the empty Double Dutch Espresso, just as it opened. The three of them were clearly about to become the first customers of the day.

“What is it, pick on Dan day?” Dan said jokingly.

“I would look at you and it’d be like you just went to the eye doctor and got, like, your pupils dilated,” Dane continued. “I feel better looking at you with your eyes like they are now, you know?” Dan looked up. Dane smiled, glancing briefly at Dan’s lips before he shook his head and opened the front door.  

Dan blushed deeply, though Dane, reading the menu and ordering them three large coffees, didn’t notice. The sleepy barista, upon recognizing them, tried to prevent them from paying. Stefan rolled his eyes.

“-please, please, like, we should be buying _you_ a cappuccino,” Dane reasoned with the girl behind the counter who was now significantly flustered. “You’re the one giving us an enormous supply of caffeine. Like, I do not actually understand how all baristas are not making six figures considering the people you probably deal with on a daily basis.” 

Laughing, Dan grabbed an empty coffee cup from the end of the bar as soon as she asked for their autographs. He scrawled his name on one side and handed it to Dane, who wrote a message on the other before handing it back to her. 

Dan pulled the twenty-dollar bill from his pocket and stuffed it in the tip jar near the cash register before dumping what was probably too much sugar into his coffee. Stefan then ushered them out. The walk back to set was a little noisier but significantly warmer with the coffee running down their throats and warming their hands. Dan felt warmer still thinking about yesterday’s kiss.

“I love my job,” Dan muttered, smiling as they re-entered the Columbia campus. Dane grinned too. 

“Damn right,” he agreed. 

By now, the sun had risen and the frost covering the campus lawns sparkled faintly. Dan pulled out one of his hand-rolled cigarettes and leaned against a tall stone building. Dane shook his head, sipping his coffee and joining Dan while Stefan went to the little breakfast table in the green room, the last one for _Kill Your Darlings_.

“You know that shit isn’t good for you. We’ve been smoking all film, you don’t need more of the black lung,” Dane chided him.

Dan didn’t say anything as he took a long drag from the cigarette.  

“I know, I know,” he finally retorted. “Just let me have this one moment of peace, would you?”   

While he relished the crisp morning, the last he would have for a while, Dan didn’t notice the way Dane’s eyes quickly flicked up and down his body before settling on his pursed lips as they blew out wisps of smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk about you guys, but one of my guilty pleasures is looking at candid photos of hot dudes with coffee. This chapter is inspired by said guilty pleasure.
> 
> Song for this chapter: Julep by The Punch Brothers (yes I know full well this song came out later than 2012, whatever)


	4. July 04, 2014 - Cort Theatre, Manhattan, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's busy this summer.

Combining _The Cripple of Inishmaan_ with filming _A Young Doctor’s Notebook_ was taking its toll in the best way possible. Theater was exhilarating in a way that television or movies weren’t, but the television series was much like filming mini movies featuring Bulgakov's writing, which Dan loved. Performing live was incredibly demanding, and he thanked his lucky stars he had the stamina to balance Broadway and film.

During this time, Dan did not think of Dane. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to. Rather, he was performing in several shows per week and was wrapped up in his work, pushing 90+ hours most weeks. Most of the time he was in the theater, or filming with Jon Hamm, or interviewing, or spending a few fleeting hours with Erin.

She came to tonight’s show in a typical disguise - sunglasses at night, hair pulled up. Backstage after the performance when nobody seemed to be paying attention, he pressed Erin against the wall and kissed her deeply behind a costume rack.

“You’re sweaty,” she noted as he pulled away. “What is that line in the Lion King? Slimy, yet satisfying? That’s what that kiss was just now.”

“Perfect,” Dan laughed and kissed her again.

“So I’m not sure you know what day it is considering the show and everything, but it’s America’s day of birth there are some fireworks going on soon. You game for watching? I know you want to go curl up in your bed right now but I felt like torturing you would be a great alternative.”

Dan smiled.

“Anything for you, warthog.”

That night after the fireworks, they watched The Simpsons and then made love, twice, at his place. Dan couldn’t fall asleep afterwards, instead playing with her hair and listening to her soft snores. He was certainly in love with her, his best friend. He was the luckiest man on earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kind of insane to think about how much actors and actresses actually work. Per however many interviews I've read, it sounds like Daniel Radcliffe is a massive workaholic. I thought it was important to establish this here.


	5. July 23, 2014 – Toronto, Canada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is touring and fantasizing... on his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh this chapter is kinda NSFW, sorry not sorry

_Dane took him to a show in Greenwich at 1:00 a.m. The room was blurry but the music was clear._

_Somehow it was just the two of them, joking together like old times, enjoying life without the cameras._

_Dane came back to the West Village with him because Brooklyn seemed too far away at that hour._

_In the elevator, Dane turned to him and he had the knowing look in his eye, the one Dan remembered._

_The gap between them closed and Dane had him pinned against the wall. Dan kissed first._

_They were in Dan’s room and the dark Hudson sparkled gold in places, reflecting the Manhattan nightlife in through the window._

_Dane pushed him onto the black bedspread and held Dan’s arms at his sides, pressing a knee between his legs…_

“Fuck,” Dan cursed, shaking his head as he opened his eyes.

Dan was now quite awake and lying in his hotel bed alone. The window blinds glowed with morning light. He cursed when he reached down and felt his erection throbbing near his thigh. Again. He shut his eyes.

It had been three days since _Inishmann_ closed; three days since he’d kissed Erin goodbye and headed to Toronto to kick off four weeks of touring for _The F-Word_. He was incredibly excited about his work, and lately interviewers hadn’t been asking him as much about _Potter_ like they used to. Maybe the world was moving on as he had. He ran a hand through his hair, thinking about how nice it would be when it grew back in evenly at the bottom.

His bedside clock was blinking at him – 6:42 a.m, July 23, 2014. Today he turned 25 years old. And of course he woke up thinking about Dane DeHaan, as he had been each morning since the show closed, even the day after the massive cast party on the closing night. His mind was finally done running at 100 miles per hour 24/7, and with his brief periods of free time in the early mornings, the thoughts were returning in full force. Now he had the time to check Dane’s twitter feed and watch his interview spots before his own interviews commenced.

 _I still have half an hour_ , Dan thought as the time flicked to 6:43. Without shame, he closed his hand around himself and drifted…

_“You want it that badly?” Dane asked calmly as he finished tying Dan’s wrists to the headboard. He had already tied his legs down to the bedposts and stripped him naked._

_“Please,” Dan begged, bucking his hips upwards._

_“Be patient,” Dane smirked. “I’ll fuck you, but I’m going to tease you a little first.”_

_“Tease me…” Dan breathed and Dane wasted no time, settling himself between Dan’s legs and nibbling at his thighs… gently pushing his knees apart before taking him in his mouth, staring directly into his eyes as he sucked…_

Dan moaned loudly as he came into his hand.

He was having a lot of similar fantasies about Dane these days. Dirty fantasies. Fantasies he wasn’t sure he was allowed to have.

And he kept thinking of Anna. She was gorgeous and smart as a whip, and as far as Dan could tell she was perfect for Dane. They had been dating for years, after all, and married only a couple of years ago. Every so often when Dan was in New York, the two of them would call him up and they would hang out at their home in Brooklyn, maybe watch some football. During those times Dan was simultaneously exhilarated and incredibly guilty when Dane would catch his eye. And then his stomach would inevitably drop as he beheld the fleeting stare that he remembered, the one Lucien used to give Allen.

He had to stop this. It wasn’t fair to Erin, or Anna, or Dane for that matter. The thoughts had to stop…

 _Dane had him on his hands and knees, kissing down his spine_ _until he reached-_

_“Oh god, Dane-” Dan groaned and arched his back. He received no answer and instead began moaning loudly when Dane’s tongue plunged inside._

_His thighs trembled. Dane simply gripped his legs tighter and tongue-fucked him harder..._  

The alarm blared and Dan’s eyes flew open. He catapulted himself out of the bed into the hotel shower and ran the water until he stopped shivering from his thoughts and instead shivered from the cold stream pounding his back.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok literally none of this chapter has any base in reality at all and is purely trash. I think the only thing that's at all plausible here is the idea of you start thinking a LOT about another person when you're in an established relationship. That shit is dangerous.
> 
> Song for this chapter: I Can't Help It by Esperanza Spalding


	6. October 14, 2012 – Vancouver, Canada

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dane filming Horns and sharing some thoughts with Juno.

It was the fourth time he had sucked on Juno Temple’s right breast today. Dan was wondering, primarily because he was growing tired of being mostly naked as a cool fall breeze rushed over him, how many more takes they had. This wasn’t the _worst_ way he could be spending his time, but he couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable _she_ was, wearing essentially no clothing and backed up against a fake tree in a fake treehouse as he fake-fucked her.

“ _That’s_ better,” Alex Aja shouted at them as Juno shoved her tongue into Dan’s mouth and he growled low in his throat as he kissed her back, grinding their hips together and becoming certain for a moment he _was_ Ig Perrish.

It had been a good day. The sex scene had actually been enjoyable because Juno kept betting on where Dan would have to next place his left hand, and to top it off, the weather held steady and beautiful all the while. She correctly guessed about 80% of the directions they received. Between takes he tried looking anywhere but at her for privacy’s sake, but when their eyes met, she’d give him a warm smile that helped dissipate his awkwardness. 

Juno Temple was, Dan had decided upon meeting her that first day in late September, an outstanding co-star and damn good at her job. They became fast friends. She took photos of Dan in his enormous horns to send to Erin, his new girlfriend. In between takes for their scenes, she was actually amused by his horrible puns that made the crew roll their eyes, and she concocted jokes of her own that made Dan burst out laughing at random when he remembered them suddenly. They could talk about books and their significant others and everything in between without any tension. And to top it off, she never scolded him for smoking, sometimes joining him after a long day of filming. This was one of those times.

“My right tit is gonna be so fucking sore tomorrow,” Juno complained as she seated herself next to him on some rocks. She looked up at the vast forest spread out before them.

Dan let out a loud laugh while he finished buttoning up his shirt, his cigarette between his lips. 

“A bit over-enthusiastic, was I?” He grinned but didn’t look at her. He was fixated on the sun casting a glow over the red and orange trees, effectively setting fire to the Vancouver autumn before nightfall.

“You could say that,” she smiled. “It could have been a weird day, but it was actually a fun day. Glad I get the privilege of working with you.” At this he turned his head. His irises were illuminated with sunlight, and Juno could see what people meant when they talked about how incredibly _blue_ his eyes were.

“The pleasure is mine,” he returned, grinning broadly. “Truly. I mean, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder how I was so fortunate to get to do _this_ for my life. Meet talented people, do what I love. It’s kind of incredible. Dunno what kind of karma I had to land me here, you know?” He noticed his cigarette had gone out.

“I know,” Juno said, watching as he dug in his pocket for his lighter. He handed her one of his cigarettes and lit it for her. She took a long drag and closed her eyes. 

“Wanna know something?” He asked her. She raised her eyebrows and glanced in his direction. “On the _Potter_ set, I always felt a little bit guilty for smoking. And I mean, my best friend on set showed me how to roll my own, and it felt great, of course, but I was playing this… this role model for so many fans, and they’d never know. It felt like I was keeping something really bad from them at first.”

“You care a lot about what people think of you,” Juno observed.

“I do,” Dan agreed, blowing out smoke from his fresh cigarette. “Most of the time I’d say it’s been a positive thing, but sometimes I guess I do get a bit…wacked out. I mean, Dane DeHaan got on me about my smoking during _Kill Your Darlings_. Cuz, like, we’d smoke for a lot of scenes, and of course I’d just keep on smoking and I know he judged the shit out of me the whole time. And afterwards too. Of all people, you know?” He shifted where he was sitting, feeling genuinely annoyed in that moment. 

Juno blinked at him, her eyes narrowing suspiciously before she looked back at the setting sun, running a hand through her mane of bright red hair. 

“I think he just cares about you,” Juno said simply.

They stopped chatting and looked out at the forest for a few seconds. Juno finally put out her cigarette, squeezed his shoulder, and trudged off back to set to get changed. Dan watched the sun disappear behind the trees just as his cigarette burned out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really love the idea of Dan and Juno's friendship. She seems like a super cool human being and I personally quite enjoyed Horns. Also, as you can probably tell, I am impressed by actors'/actresses' abilities to just like... do intimate shit repeatedly in front of a camera with some other super talented, beautiful human being and just kind of move on with their day. It makes sense though... it's much easier to just like... touch a boob than convey anger or passion or whatever it is, and then on top of that, convey these things in different characters.
> 
> Song for this chapter: King and Cross by Asgeir


	7. September 23, 2014 – Paris, France

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan notices Dane on TV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reeeeeal short, y'all.

As Dan played with his fantasy football app on the hotel couch, Sam flicked through channels on-demand, and when he passed by the entertainment channel he stopped the remote and pointed out Dane DeHaan sitting next to Aubrey Plaza.

Dan finally tore himself away from his team, and he and Sam laughed through much of the interview. Sam didn’t notice Dan stop giggling when Dane mentioned falling in love with his costar. He’d said the same about Daniel during _KYD_.

That was his thing – being so in character that he developed feelings for people, true feelings. Of course, the general public would take anything Dane said and run with it to try and develop some sort of weird love interest in a tabloid. But Dan knew better. 

It was just Dane being Dane. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Importance here being that it's really easy to take what famous people say and ascribe WAY too much meaning onto their words. Alas... it's how I wind up writing weird shit like RPF.


	8. October 18th, 2014 – Los Angeles, CA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Dane reunite despite their hectic schedules, and Dane shares some bad news. Then things get a bit... hazy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda NSFW towards the end.

One morning in late August, Dan woke with the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he’d been having since _Inishmann_ wrapped. It was particularly strong that day. He looked over at Erin sleeping in his bed and stroked her arm.

Dan _really_ hadn’t been feeling right about the relationship since he started touring for _The F Word._ It was partly because he kept thinking of Dane. Part of it may have been that he was having a terrifying, clarifying moment, nearly two years into a relationship, where he knew he was not fully, 100% committed anymore. He loved her, but he was not _in love_ with her.

But he had a good thing going, right? He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t fuck up. Not now.

It had been almost two months since Dan woke with his empty feeling. He stared out the window of a sleek black car on his way to an interview for _Horns_. It was early, still dark outside, and he hadn’t had a Frappuccino _or_ cigarette yet. He drummed his fingers on the window as he thought about what book he should attempt to read once the tour was over – _more Bulgakov? Maybe I should switch from Russia to Brazil…_

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

 _1 new message – Dane The-Haan_  

_call me when you can_

Most of the time, Dane’s text messages consisted of awful puns, photos of puppies, or rude jokes making fun of his fantasy football team. Daniel frowned just as the car stopped.

* * *

 

“Hello?”

“Dane, hey, got your message. What’s going on?”

The interview went well. Dan had a blast, as he often did with good interviewers that actually focused on the film instead of his personal life. He felt like he never stopped talking, and he damn well loved it. They also had bagels and lox at the place that somehow gave his favorite NYC bagel shop a run for its money, which made him even happier as he chatted with the camera crew. And now, all that behind him, hearing Dane’s voice placed him squarely on top of the world.

“What are you doing this week? Do you have any free time?”

“I’m currently in L.A. and trying to shield myself from all the tall, tan people so I don’t burn their eyes.”

“Sounds fun. Listen, when do you get back to Manhattan?”

Dan’s heart beat a little faster.

“Tomorrow night. Is everything alright?”

“Call me when you land.”

* * *

The following afternoon, Dan's phone buzzed just as he got back to his apartment in the West Village.

“You could be a little less cryptic,” Dan chastised as he dropped his bag onto his kitchen table and nearly dropped his phone in the process. 

“You’re not even in the airport anymore, are you? I specifically asked you to call when you landed.”

“Well, speaking loudly on the phone in the middle of JFK about how cryptic you are is an easy way to attract the paparazzi,” Dan reasoned and Dane laughed.

“Fair enough. You busy tonight?”

“Amazingly, no. Just flying out in the morning.”

“Want to do something?”

“Of course,” Dan smiled. “First though, you obviously have to tell me what all this fuss is about.”

“I uh…” Dane trailed off for a moment before clearing his throat. “I just need to see you. Talk.”

“Okay mate,” Dan stopped smiling. Something was wrong. Dane was never _this_ serious. “When and where?”

“I… can I come over there?”

“Yeah of course.”

“Be there soon.” Dane hung up.

Dan stared at his phone for a moment. If Dane took public transport incognito, as he often did, it would take him nearly 40 minutes to arrive. He briefly strolled onto his balcony and looked out over the Hudson. Per usual, he rolled and lit a cigarette.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and retrieved it. Erin had called. He bit his lip and opted not to call her back, instead texting her _busy tonight, sorry love_. Returning his phone to his jeans, Dan took a long drag.

“Someday maybe I should stop smoking.” He breathed out slowly, tasting the tar in his mouth and wishing his sole vice was simply fantasy football.

* * *

 

“I brought beer. For me.” Dane announced happily as he came through Dan’s front door.

“Brilliant…” Dan laughed, shaking his head.

Lucky for them, Sam was out for the night. Bodyguards were simply hanging around the building instead of sitting on his couch. Dan breathed into his hand, hoping his shower, double tooth brushing, and piece of gum covered his earlier chain smoking.  

It was then that he noticed the dark circles under Dane’s eyes and his disheveled appearance. “Mate, look, I don’t mean to be rude, but you’ve got to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

Dane closed the door behind him and sighed. His face fell.  

“It’s Anna.”

“What about her?”

“She…” Dane let out a single a hollow laugh and handed Dan the beer. “She slept with someone.”

Dan froze where he was standing. He was silent.

“She told me three days ago. I guess she was drunk? She never gets drunk. Not _that_ drunk.”

“Dane, I – ” Dan was dumbfounded as he set the case of beer down on the counter. It didn’t sound like Anna. She was so in love with Dane from what he could tell… what happened?

“It just… I have to wonder what I did, you know? I must have been neglecting her or something. Didn’t think I was. But… I must have been.”

“Dane, sit down, please,” Dan pulled his friend to the couch. “Take your coat off.”

“I haven’t been home since then. I can’t. I want to look at her… talk… but I can’t yet.”

“Jesus.” Dan didn’t know what to say. He helped Dane out of his coat and noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. “Where have you been staying?"

“With friends. Look, I know you’re in the middle of work and are probably going to London tomorrow, and I’m going to be touring soon too, but I just needed to see you. I’ve missed you a lot, man. We need to work together again.” Dane looked up at him, doleful.

“I… yeah. I know. But… here… Do – do you want to talk about this?”

“I’m not sure. Not yet. Right now I think I need to get drunk, eat some pancakes, and watch football with you. Maybe play Scrabble.” Dane looked at Dan with his brilliant blue eyes and gave a weak smile.

“I can do that,” Dan said without breaking eye contact.

* * *

 They played three games of Scrabble after watching the Giants narrowly lose to the Cincinnati Bengals. Dan won the first two but Dane came back to crush him in the last round by over 100 points. They had ordered pancakes that lay mostly eaten and long forgotten on the coffee table. And now, having taken a triumphant, drunken victory lap around the apartment, Dane stood listening to an M. Ward CD Dan had put on.   

“Hey,” Dane said quietly, turning and looking at Dan with eyes half-lidded, his lips forming a small smile. Dan was sitting upright on the couch, and gasped when Dane sat down next to him and fell to the side so his body lay in his friend’s lap.

Without really thinking about it, Dan reached to Dane’s cheek and ran his fingers along his jaw. He couldn’t take his eyes off Dane’s mouth, at least not until Dane opened his eyes and stared up at him. Smirking, Dane eyed Dan’s fingers. He reached up and pulled Dan’s hand to his lips before running his tongue along Dan’s index finger, then taking it in his mouth and sucking gently. Dan let out a surprised breath when Dane took his middle finger into his mouth as well, moving down to the knuckle and making borderline-obscene sounds with his saliva. 

“Dane…” Dan’s heart beat hot in his ears. Dane was drunk and he was not. In light of everything, this shouldn’t  - _couldn’t_ \- be happening. Dane released his fingers but left his lips parted, and suddenly Dan was right back at Columbia on that night in March where they filmed the kiss.

Dane moved closer, reaching his hand up to Dan’s head and running his fingers through his hair, down through the stubble on his cheek and stopping at his chin.

“Dane…” Dan tried to say something, instead finding himself paralyzed.

“Your eyes. Fucking gorgeous,” Dane said simply. Dan said nothing. This was one of those rare times where he was lost for words.

“You know that scene with Olen?”

Dan nodded slowly, remembering distinctly the strange moment during the _KYD_ premiere where he first saw himself spreading his legs for another man on a large screen in front of thousands of other people, including Dane, and how hot his cheeks were for the ensuing ten minutes of film. All he could remember during the filming for that scene was how loudly John had been shouting at him about the pain of gay sex. 

“How could I forget?” Dan half-chuckled.

“I wanted that to be us,” Dane said without hesitation, letting his hand drift down Dan’s chest. “I wanted us to have a scene like that, as Allen and Lu. But more than that, I wanted us to do it. I want… us.”

It took a few seconds for the ringing in Dan’s ears to subside after Dane spoke, and it was then that he noticed the fingertips dragging down close to his belt buckle.

“And I know-” Dane said, his eyes flickering. “…you want it too.” And he moved his fingers lower until he was firmly cupping Dan in his hand. Dan’s breath hitched and his mouth fell open. 

And then Dane’s lips were on his. Then Dane kissed him again and he kissed back, and in that moment they engaged in what may have been the gentlest kiss Dan had shared with someone to date. His head was buzzing with noise and voices, like someone was flicking through the radio dial too fast without settling on a station.

Dane took his hand from Dan’s jeans and instead held his head in his hands, brushing their noses together. Dan opened his mouth and let his head fall back, his moan muffled when their tongues entwined. 

It was then, while tasting the beer lingering on Dane’s lips, that Dan remembered exactly where he was and what he was doing.

“Wait,” Dan said and he pulled back. Dane stopped, his eyes still closed and his hands still gripping Dan’s head. “Dane, stop… we… this-” 

“Please,” Dane whispered, his voice hungry and so low it made Dan’s stomach drop.

“I can’t… do this to you,” Dan said, holding Dane’s cheek in his hand. “Not to you or Anna or Erin. We can’t.” _Erin_ … Dan swallowed. _Oh no_.

“We can’t,” he repeated in a whisper.

For a moment Dane was quiet.

“Okay,” he finally replied, releasing Dan’s head at last. He still hadn’t opened his eyes. And he didn’t open them. Dan quickly realized that Dane had fallen asleep right there. Dan gently laid him down on the couch and covered him in a blanket before retreating to his room.

“Fuck,” he said as he shut his door and pulled off his jeans. He went onto the balcony again and smoked a cigarette, pacing furiously, before collapsing into his bed and rolling onto his back…

_He heard a knock at his door and Dane entered, closing the door behind him. He walked up to the edge of Dan’s bed._

_“You smell like fucking cigarettes.”_

_“You smell like fucking… beer.”_

_Then they were kissing again despite everything, and Dan’s head was on fire. Dane took him in his arms and backed him up to the wall, shoving his legs apart and grinding his hips into Dan’s pelvis._

_Dane turned him around. He pulled Dan’s boxers down and his t-shirt to his hands before bending him over the side of the bed. Dan shut his eyes as his wrists were knotted together behind his back with his shirt, knowing he was now entirely at Dane’s mercy._

_Dane pressed their bodies together and dragged his fingers across Dan’s lips until Dan took them in his mouth and sucked dutifully, knowing what was coming._

_He let out a long, breathy moan when Dane pressed a finger inside to the knuckle, then moved it slowly in and out. He writhed and gasped in pain, but felt his erection growing._

_“Gotta open you up,” Dane growled. Dan groaned even louder when Dane decided to add a second finger. It definitely hurt now. When he was satisfied, Dane removed his finger and unzipped his jeans. The sound made Dan shudder and move his ass higher in the air._

_Dane spread Dan’s legs a little wider and held his cheeks apart._

_“Ready?” Dane whispered. Dan nodded, and within seconds he was groaning, squirming as Dane pressed inside-_

Dan reached for tissues and hoped Dane hadn’t heard him moaning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, zero base in reality here. I feel like Dane/any reasonable person would probably not go getting drunk in front of a person who abstains from alcohol, but... plot points.
> 
> Songs for this chapter include: Meantime by Imogen Heap


	9. October 20, 2014 - West Village, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning.

“Morning…” Dan said, holding a mug of hot coffee aloft when Dane finally surfaced from the couch.

“Fuck,” Dane swore, flinging his hand to his forehead before rolling off the couch. “I think…I got…a little drunk.”

“No… you? Drink? Alcohol? Never,” Dan teased, trying to pretend absolutely nothing was odd, or confusing, or like they’d actually done what they had done. “Take this though, you need it.”

Dane pulled one of Dan’s blankets over his head and body before shuffling over to the table. He took the mug and held it between his palms, but did not drink.

“What… happened last night?”

Dan swallowed and felt his cheeks flush. Stalling, he pretended to forget where he kept his stash of sugar and opened various kitchen cabinets.

“We, er…" he said over his shoulder. "I thought maybe you wanted to talk about it?”

“No, no – like, what did we do? I mean… I remember you beating me at some Xbox game… or did I dream that? 'Cause like, since when do I lose to you at Xbox games, you know?”

Dan turned around, the sugar tin in his hand. It was then that Dan realized Dane had no memory of their kiss from the previous night, the way he gripped Dan between his legs, the way he pressed his tongue into Dan’s mouth, the way he probably tasted a bit like Diet Coke. No memory whatsoever. Dan plunked some sugar cubes into his drink and offered the tin to Dane, who shook his head. 

“Er… well we watched the Giants lose," Dan said, swirling his mug around. "And then yeah, ate midnight pancakes, played Xbox a bit, some Scrabble, I beat you of course-”

“Right, right,” Dane sighed. He took a sip of his coffee and pursed his lips, a clear sign that he burned his tongue. "Stthorry about crashing like this."

“You can come by anytime, you know that,” Dan said, looking Dane straight in the eye as he took a hesitant second sip. “Really. This is… it’s not easy. I want to help you any way I can.”

“Thanks,” Dane said quietly. “I know you’re gearing up for… what is it? Jimmy Fallon soon, right?”

“What? Oh, yeah, yeah,” Dan grinned, thinking about the tongue-twisting act he would perform that day. Dane, meanwhile, closed his eyes and sighed. Dan finally took a few sips of his own saccharine coffee and stared out the window at the glassy blue water. He checked his watch.

“You know, I'm pretty glad we're friends,” Dane said, his voice echoing into his mug. "I'm astounded you've been so willing to excuse my drunken... ness? Is that how you'd say it-"

“Me too,” Dan interrupted. “I er, I don’t mean to be rude, but I think I have to pack soon-”

“Ah, gotcha.” Dane winked at him before chugging most of his remaining coffee, letting out a noise that sounded a lot like "oy," and half-jogging over to the couch to fold his blanket. Dan pulled out his phone when Dane started the search for his wallet between the cough cushions. Erin had texted.

_Know you’re heading out today. Call before you leave?_

His stomach lurched. Dane emerged from the couch with his wallet in hand, a goofy hangover smile on his face and one fist pumped in the air. 

“Success!”

“Congratulations,” Dan half-grinned, trying to think of how he’d respond to his girlfriend. He kept thinking of Dane’s hand between his legs and how much he wanted to return the favor. 

“Well… I’ll get out of your hair now,” Dane said, putting his shoes on. He stood up and looked Dan in the eye. “Listen, in all seriousness, thanks for putting me up. I um...” Without warning Dane pulled Dan into a tight hug. Dan set his phone down on the table and slowly returned the embrace.

Dan knew he wouldn’t feel the safe warmth of Dane’s arms for what would likely amount to several months, so he held on without shame.

“It’ll be alright mate,” Dan whispered. He felt Dane nod against his shoulder.

“I hope so,” Dane said, his voice muffled in Dan’s shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say here, though I think I was mildly inspired by Grey's Anatomy and THAT ONE THING with George and Izzie for this entire plot point, but whatever. 
> 
> Song for this chapter: Clean Slate by M. Ward


	10. December 30, 2014 – Flint, Michigan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan spends a very guilty Christmas with Erin.

Michigan was nice - cold, but nice. Flint itself was something of a small, bland-looking city, but even the Bob Evan’s was fun with Erin sitting across from him and customers keeping their distance.

Christmas had been a goofy, cozy affair with the Darke family. Her family was welcoming and Dan refused to let them do their own dishes. He smoked less while he was around them to avoid bringing the stench of cigarettes into their home, which was really a plus for everyone. 

Dan had a hotel room nearby, of course, and there, he made love to Erin as often as possible. Distance took its toll at times and Dan was glad to spend all of his waking hours with her, whether in bed or out of it, if even for a few days. There was still a small part of him that felt stale, somehow, as he stayed with her despite his changed feelings.

“I love you so much,” he whispered as he kissed her neck just below her left ear.

“Your beard tickles. And I love you too,” she smiled.

They lay tangled in a blanket in the hotel room, primed for another round of sex. His words were true – his love for her had not faded, just shifted. She ran her hands through his hair.

He hadn’t told her about his kiss with Dane. Anna had called Erin about the cheating _situation_ , which was most of what she discussed with Dan before he went to London that day in October. Dane and Anna were separated at the moment, but not divorced. Dan wondered a little too often about how that relationship would proceed.

Erin kissed his temple. He ran his fingers down her ribcage to her thigh, savoring her soft skin. He felt his erection growing.

“Round two already?” she laughed and shook her head. “If you insist…” She immediately flipped him onto his back and ground her hips into him. He moaned and watched her above him, a beautiful goddess, too good for him in every conceivable way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally I am a horrible human being for reading the fucking tabloid shit to get info for the skeleton of this chapter!???!!?
> 
> Song for this chapter: Just For Now by Imogen Heap.


	11. February 02, 2015 – West Village, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan sees Dane again, and things have changed.

Dane didn’t even ask to come over when Dan told him he and Erin had semi-ended things. It was a miracle they were both in New York at the same time since Dane was technically on tour for _Life_ with Robert Pattinson. 

“Be there in 40,” he’d said, and hung up without another word.

It had been the strangest break up. Or sort-of break up. She was angry and hurt, properly so. But she understood. They had a long talk, for maybe three hours, after he told her how he felt. His moment with drunk Dane finally came out.

“I… can’t say I’m that… surprised…” she said quietly, smirking. “I’ve always noticed how goofy you get when you talk about him.” At this Dan had said nothing. He felt horrible for letting himself kiss someone else while he was with Erin.

“You deserve so much better,” he said. “I was so, so wrong to have done that. It’s not... _like_ me. And it’s not forgivable.”

“Well…” she looked at him. “It’s not forgivable right now. Someday, though. Maybe.”

Erin asked for some time to sort out her feelings, but, being the better person that she was, reminded Dan that she loved him and that eventually, maybe, they could be friends or lovers again, though it would certainly be different. That conversation took place three days ago. Dan had since stayed holed up in his apartment during his free week before shipping out to film _Now You See Me 2_ halfway across the world. 

“Hey,” Dan opened his door and there was Dane with a box from Dan’s favorite shop. He could smell it from the hallway.

Dane stepped into Dan’s apartment and set the food on the kitchen table. “Brought you some poutine.”

“Thank you.” Dan gave a weak smile.

“You wanna talk about it?” Dane asked.

Dan rubbed his beard. It had gotten quite scruffy.

“Er… not yet,” he murmured. “Or… well. Yeah, I should I guess." 

Dane opened the box and the smell of fried potatoes and gravy flooded the kitchen. As Dan uncharacteristically hadn’t eaten much in the past few days, he found himself starving the moment he saw the food. He loaded two plates with poutine and led Dane to his small dining table, the one right by the window. At first they ate in silence and watched the water. Then Dan noticed Dane was actually just watching him shovel food into his face.

“Wha’?” His cheeks were bulging.

“Nothing,” Dane said. “You don’t have to talk about this now. Not while you’re eating.”

“I should though,” Dan tried to say as he chewed on a large forkful of poutine. He finally swallowed. “God. It doesn’t feel like we really had that conversation.”

“I know the feeling,” Dane said while twisting his fork on his plate. “It doesn’t hit you for a little while. Why uh… if you don’t mind me asking, why did you guys end things, or I guess put things on hold, anyway?”

Dan set down his utensil for a moment. He was vividly remembering the night Dane had kissed him. He hiccupped 

“Well… to be honest, some time ago, I started getting this nagging feeling, like something wasn’t right. It’s kind of bullshit because she’s perfect and absolutely nothing could be wrong with her, but there was something wrong with me. I was… I mean, I loved her, and I still do, but part of me knew I wasn’t-”

“In love with her?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “Yeah I just… but I couldn’t break things off. I didn’t want to for a long time because I figured I was just being an arse and I’d get over myself. I was in the healthiest relationship I’d ever been in, really. I thought she was the one, Dane.”

Dane shrugged. “Maybe she still is," he offered. 

“Maybe,” Dan shrugged and looked out the window. He caught a glimpse of his sunken eyes in the faint reflection and flinched.

“What, is there someone else?" Dane asked. Dan looked at the floor before decidedly shoving more poutine into his mouth.

“There _is_ someone else,” Dane said, eyebrows raised. “Well good for you for breaking things off and not complicating shit with cheating.” He was audibly bitter. It had come to light some time ago that Anna had slept with the guy more than once. Dane was still coming to terms with it and trying to figure out what to do next.

“Er, I guess. I dunno, Dane, this… _thing_ … that I have for this other person… it just… I don’t know. It’s a bit toxic.”

“Alright, alright.”

They finally finished the food – Dan had eaten at least two and a half portions – and cleaned up. Dan went to smoke a cigarette on his balcony and Dane joined him despite the cold. The sun was starting to set.

“I promise I’ll brush my teeth afterwards,” Dan muttered as he breathed out.

“It’s fine dude,” Dane said with chattering teeth, though he was careful not to stand downwind of the smoke. 

* * *

 

After some time outside, the two men returned to the living room to catch up on their non-love lives. Dane updated Dan about his new movie, highlights from his tour so far, and his solo apartment search, while Dan shared his excitement about traveling to China for filming. Eventually, they fell into their habit of playing games late at night. 

"So, shall I take you on in Scrabble or do you want to just give me the victory now?” Dane wiggled his eyebrows and smirked at Dan from his side of the couch.  

In that moment, with Dane smiling deviously at him, Dan was overwhelmed with desire. He chewed his lip while staring at Dane's mouth. 

“Dan,” Dane said, his smile fading. “Are you okay?”

“I…” Dan tried to make up a reason for his gaze and felt himself failing spectacularly. “No. I don’t know. Dane… listen, a while back, in October… you came over. You came over after Anna…”

“Yeah, and I was an asshole and I got shitfaced drunk around a guy that doesn’t drink, in _his_ apartment, and overstayed my welcome.”

“Dane, do you still not remember what happened?”

“Remember what happened?” Dane scoffed. “Like I said - Shit. Faced. What do you mean? Dan, did something…” Dane narrowed his eyes. “What happened?”

“Dane,” Dan whispered. “We…” He was struggling.

“What happened?” Dane repeated himself, softer this time.

“Well, we were listening to music. It was late. And, and you fell on me a bit, kind of like that time in _Kill Your Darlings_ , and… you, you did the finger suck on me.”

Dane blinked and said nothing. 

“The finger suck.”

“Yeah.”

“On you.”

“Yeah. And erm, well, I… you told me something. You told me that you wanted us to be… us. To be together.” Dan’s heart was pounding.

Silence. Finally,

“Oh,” Dane said. He looked at the floor.

“And we kissed,” Dan added, watching as Dane raised an eyebrow, his gaze still fixed downwards.

“Oh?”

“I… yeah. And I ehm… I liked it.”

Dane pursed his lips. "Oh," he finally replied. 

“Then I stopped us because of Erin, and because of Anna, and because you were drunk and didn’t know what you were saying or doing.”

Silence. Then,

“Dan… I may have been drunk then, but that, uh, I wasn’t just saying drunken bullshit.”

They stared at each other. 

“Oh,” Dan said in a slightly high-pitched voice. A strange relief washed over him, and when Dane whispered his name it seemed to come from far away. Dan closed his eyes and Dane’s lips met his temple. 

When they kissed, Dan felt like he was living a different life, one where nobody knew his name or cared to take photos of him on his grocery runs. He felt his public layer melting away and pooling at his feet. He was raw and aching for more of now, his right _fucking_ now, with Dane’s mouth pressed to his and the anticipation of more to come.  

They finally broke apart, and the wanton look in Dane’s eyes shot straight between Dan’s legs. Dane stood up and pulled Dan off his chair into another kiss with a lot of tongue. If anybody had been there to witness their kissing, they might have thought the two were fighting. Each kiss grew more furious and dirty. Dan pushed Dane up against the kitchen counter and, his short stature be damned, attacked his neck with an assault of licks and bites. Dane snaked his hands into Dan’s hair and let out a soft moan when Dan nipped his Adam’s apple.

“Fuck,” Dane growled as he pushed Dan off of him. They kissed their way over to Dan’s cushy couch, where Dane wedged Dan’s knees apart and straddled him. At this point, Dan realized just how nervous he was, besides being _incredibly_ turned on.

“Wait, wait,” Dan said between kisses. Dane rested his forehead on Dan’s. His eyes flicked briefly to Dan’s hand, which lay trembling on his thigh. 

“Are you... sure you want this?" 

Dane pulled back.

“Am I sure I want this?" He asked, incredulous. "Is the fact that I’m straddling you on your own couch while we both have poutine breath – and you most certainly did _not_ brush your teeth after you smoked - not enough evidence for you?"  

“No, no I mean… this… makes things complicated.”

“What’s that thing Lu and Allen always said? Something about... _enjoying_ the complicated...” Dane wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Right, well, you forget that they weren’t exactly famous at that time, nor did they have their lives scrutinized every second by half the major media outlets. And they didn’t have pseudo ex-girlfriends or pseudo ex-wives in their very recent past to think about. ”

Dane sighed.

“True… but I kind of don’t give a shit anymore.” Dane slid off of Dan’s lap and walked over to the wide, floor-length window, staring out at the glittering city as he began to pace. “You know, when all this shit with Anna started up, I was wondering what I did. I’d been with her for a while. We were happy, married… and I thought everything was okay. But clearly she thought something was missing and she acted on that feeling. I think I knew something was weird with us but I never felt like we needed fixing or something."

“And I realized… when I started working with you, I felt better as an actor, as a person. It’s rare to find someone you click with so well. I never considered myself gay or anything, none of those labels matter, anyway. But then you came along and, man… you just… wowed me. Every single day of filming I was blown away by your acting, but moreso I was blown away by _you_ , and who you are as a person. Every scene I did with you, I mean, I felt like I didn’t have to work that hard. It was easy because I liked you and our chemistry was and is still very real.”

“Yeah.” 

“I know you feel the same, Dan. I know you." Dane stopped pacing and turned around. "And I really, really like you. And before you, I never thought I’d want to kiss a guy and take his pants off and explore… that… er… Maybe a younger version of myself would be scared and push those feelings away. But now, I… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter what’s between someone’s legs. I just… I feel really… I care about you a lot. I have for a while.” 

Dan stood and walked over to the middle of the window where Dane stood still. Without a word, Dane cupped Dan’s cheeks in his hands and kissed him.  

“Me too,” Dan smiled. His lips trembled. 

“It’s okay,” Dane whispered just as they kissed again. 

“I know, I know, I always get nervous with firsts,” Dan admitted.

“Ah, but this isn’t our first? I’d say maybe… oh, 47th now…” Dane winked. Dan’s cheeks grew pink.

“You know what I mean,” he muttered, and breathed out slowly when Dane kissed just below his ear and nibbled his earlobe. They kissed, then spoke a little while longer, and did end up playing Scrabble eventually (Dan won). Then they exchanged another flurry of kisses and Dan led Dane into his bedroom. His heart beat in his throat.

“I, erm… I need to brush my teeth…”

“Yeah, same.” Dane gave a sheepish smile. “I uh… now I admit I’m kind of nervous.”

“Me too, but ehm, you knew that,” Dan agreed quickly. “It’s probably best to take things… slow, yeah? I mean… this… this is new…”

“Yeah.” Dane grinned.

Eventually, after their respective tooth brushing and pants removal, they got into bed.Dan blinked at his dark ceiling. He turned his head to look at Dane’s fuzzy silhouette and felt five warm fingers snake between his own.

“So… now what?”

“Well, Dan, most people sleep… or do other fun activities… such as… read…when they are in beds.”

“Right. They read.”

“This is… weird,” Dan whispered.

“Why are you whispering?” Dane whispered back.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s not _that_ weird.”

“I’ve never held another man’s hand for this long before.”

“Not even your dad’s?"

“Shut up.”

“What, is it bad?”

“No, of course not. It’s… nice.”

“Yeah,” Dane said, squeezing his hand once. Dan finally closed his eyes and felt, for the first time in a long time, incredibly happy. It was then that he realized – he had forgotten to smoke a cigarette before bed. _Progress,_ he thought as he drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mm, the plot thickens like a really good soup that you're letting simmer. I love the idea of a past work uniting people even years down the line, which is why I love to tie little things back into KYD. Also, if you haven't noticed by now, I talk a lot about smoking and cigarettes in this thing. As a person working in the health field, I absolutely cannot stand them and think they are probably the most unsexy thing ever. I somehow want to get across that they are not something to be romanticized, and letting them go is what leads to beautiful moments.
> 
> Song for the sexy part of this chapter: Let Go by Frou Frou (incidentally one of my favorite songs of all time, for obvious reasons)


	12. March 17, 2015 - Macau, China

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Dane are half a world apart. Also, Woody Harrelson is not the best at mahjong.

The Macau skyline was nothing like Manhattan's. Blue and gold lights shimmered on buildings of every shape and size, blurring like watercolors as they reflected in Nam Van Lake. Numerous towering casinos were perpetually teeming with tourists and gamblers, particularly after dark. Jets of aquamarine-lit water shot into the night sky in misty bursts every so often near the sidewalks during choreographed shows. Every mahjong table was elegant, every hotel more luxurious than the next. Fans were courteous and friendly, even when asking for photographs. Dan was always happy to do so.

He had arrived a few days previously and tried to give himself time to accommodate, but Dan was still jet-lagged. His sleep schedule was beyond fucked. That wasn't new for him, though. It seemed like he would perpetually sport gray-purple bags under his eyes, his hair more a scraggly mess now than in his _Potter_ days.

He was more glad than ever that Sam was with him. Despite the wonderful cast and crew, despite the exhilaration of making his way through a new city, Dan was lonely and having difficulty adjusting to unfamiliar surroundings. He dreamed of New York City and, specifically, his favorite lanky weirdo residing there. He tried not to think about it if he could help it.

Dan had a hard time saying 'no' when his co-stars or friends on set would ask him to come out with them, and this night was no exception. Besides, maybe the company would cheer him up.

He nursed a tall glass of water near one of the mahjong tables in the back of the Sands casino, right near the bar. Sam sat on a barstool to his left, a Tsingtao in his hand. Lizzy Caplan sat on his right, sipping bourbon. Dan was so tired from the day's shoot that he was spacing out every few minutes, noticing details around him instead of talking as he normally would. He watched Sam's eyes shifting back and forth every so often, watching for trouble or groups of tourists. He watched Lizzy's cherry red lipstick stain grow more prominent on her glass with each sip. The three of them watched Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco, and Jesse Eisenberg trying to figure out how and when to best remove their tiles from the mahjong game in front of them.

"You're so quiet tonight, Radcliffe! Why aren't you drinking?" Lizzy asked Dan as he gulped down some water and nearly choked on an ice cube.

"Ehm, I used to have a bit of a problem with it, I just kind of don't anymore," he answered, shrugging his shoulders.

"Gotcha."

"Damn it!" Woody yelled from the table as Jesse smirked.

"Goodness," Lizzy shook her head and took a sip. "Some people just don't know how to keep it together during a friendly game of mahjong." Dan and Sam laughed. It was good to spend the evening with a smaller group tonight. Ideally, Dan could have hung out with people in an even smaller, more intimate bar or something, or better yet, found the ping pong tables in their hotel. He did enjoy getting to know Lizzy, though.

"So how are things in the world of Dan Radcliffe?"

"Oh, same old same old. Trying to plan my next big franchise, of course."

She laughed. Sam shook his head, having heard this joke hundreds of times, and took a swig from his beer.

"Of course. Your girlfriend alright?" Dan rubbed the back of his neck and closed his eyes.

"Er..."

"Man, I am hitting all the wrong topics," Lizzy said.

"No, no, it's alright. Just taking an... extended break, is all."

"Man, sorry to hear that."

"It's alright, really!" At that moment, his cell phone buzzed in his back pocket. He knew who was calling. _What appropriate timing.._ Dan thought. "Will you excuse me for a moment?" Lizzy raised her glass and turned her attention back to the mahjong game. 

Dan strolled away from the group into a nearby foyer as he pulled out his phone. Sam lagged behind him, his beer still in hand. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey," Dane answered, his voice patchy in the receiver. Dan could tell he was smiling. 

"Hey. You know it's like... midnight here, right?"

"I figured I'd catch you during America's lunchtime." 

"How much does this kind of long distance cost?"

"Oh right, like you have to be frugal," Dane scoffed. Dan shook his head and smiled. 

"I um... I miss you." 

A brief pause. Dan jumped and Sam whirled around as someone shouted in heated, rapid fire Mandarin at a faraway roulette table. A glass shattered.

"I miss you too," Dane's voice crackled. 

Dan's stomach was now going through the motions it cycled through whenever he and Dane spoke these days (which was not as often as he would have liked, of course). It seemed to lift up past his heart and into his throat, and his lower body would feel too light for the rest of him for a little while and induce furious pacing. That is, until, at some point in their conversation, Dan would remember the fact that he and Anna were still quite married and appearing in public together. Then his stomach would come sloshing back down and he'd feel heavy - too heavy - unable to move from wherever he planted himself in that moment.

"So... how is Anna doing," Dan asked flatly. 

"Uh, alright," Dane answered. "We've been talking more."

"Yeah?" Dan stopped pacing just under a painting of an enormous gold dragon that snarled at him from the wall. He looked into its pearly eyes. 

Sam was leaning on a nearby column and watching for signs of trouble coming from the raucous roulette tables (it appeared that Dave Franco had won twice in a row while a clearly drunk, wealthy-appearing businessman lost). He sighed and looked into his empty beer bottle when he didn't hear footsteps anymore. He recognized the abrupt standstill. He'd seen it and heard it before, towards the end of Dan and Erin's relationship. 

"Yeah. Trying to reconcile I guess. She was in Berlin with me in February, you know."

"I heard." 

"I uh... yeah. I don't know. I love her, you know? Even with all of this shit... I love her. I need to make it work."

"Of course," Dan replied quickly in an attempt to sound genuinely concerned about the relationship. 

"You know I... I miss you, though."

"I know." 

"You also know I crushed you with a 164 point word in Words with Friends." 

Dan half-smiled.  

"Didn't know that one yet. Ouch." 

"Radcliffe! Raaaaaaadcliffe!" Woody Harrelson had rounded the corner into the foyer and nearly crashed into Sam, shouting with reckless abandon. "Can you play mahjong? I'm dying out there! There is a fucking dragon on your head!" 

"Apparently I'm being summoned for a very important task. Later, yeah?" 

"Later."

"Well, bye."

"I'm..." Dane was momentarily silent and Dan closed his eyes, waiting. "I uh... wait Dan-" 

Dan hung up, and suddenly he was able to move again. 

"I need a bloody cigarette." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooook I haven't been to Macau, so this took a little bit of Google searching to figure out how to describe things in detail that I've never seen with my own eyes. That's the most frustrating thing for me - describing scenes in ways that aren't repetitive or highly inaccurate. Also dipped back into how famous people go about interacting with each other... which, really, I think is a lot like how non-famous people interact. It's like you're on a certain playing field with it's own 'normalcy.' Maybe. I actually have no idea what I'm talking about, so yeah.
> 
> Song for this chapter: Our Remains by Bitter:Sweet. That song always strikes either some super exclusive club, or some sort of high class place where a bunch of well off people are doing their business or whatever. Seems fitting for a casino and, well, a smidge of heartbreak.


	13. August 15th, 2014 - Dublin, Ireland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is about to go to the Irish premiere of What If, and has an entirely different film on his mind.

As much as Dan enjoyed dressing up for film premieres, he was delighted about his casual outfit for the Irish  _What If_ premiere. Simple black top, simple black pants - it was perfect. To compensate, his hairstylist made a point to outdo himself, and even Dan had to admit that today his choppy cut and massive eyebrows looked... _cool_. Dan grinned broadly into his mirror to ensure his selfie face didn't look demented. 

"Right. Brilliant. This will be brilliant." He kicked off his shoes and began pacing back and forth along the foot of his hotel bed. 

Dan wasn't referring to the premiere, however. His mind was racing. He was considering how he'd approach the role of Lee Atwater, how he'd put on a conservative hat and convincingly display the story of Karl Rove's campaign for National Republican Chairman, the relationship between the two of them.  _My accent is going to need more work_ , he mused. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. 

_1 new message - Erin_

_Have fun today! Irish I was with you!_

He sighed and set his phone down on his bed. Despite the outstanding pun, he had nothing to send back. This was the third time in the past week he didn't know what to say to Erin when she texted something clever. It wasn't _really_ that he couldn't think of a reply. Rather, he didn't want to say anything. He could always throw something cute together, but his messages didn't feel natural anymore. He hoped his writer's block wasn't what he thought it was. 

"Get it together, Radcliffe," he grumbled aloud and turned his thoughts back to Atwater. And Dane. And working with Dane, maybe for more than what seemed like an extended camping trip's worth of time. Then he snorted when he thought about the thick, face-filling glasses Dane would have to wear as Rove.

With three sharp knocks at his door, Dan's train of thought derailed, and he frantically shoved on his shoes. 

"Let's go! Fans are waiting," Sam called. 

They made their way down a long hallway to the elevator. 

"I hope someone makes a fucking petition," Dan muttered as they tramped along. 

"What?" Sam asked. 

"Nothing," Dan assured him. "Just daydreaming." In that moment he remembered how unlikely it was that he'd even get to make  _Young Americans_ given what John had told them. He sighed and closed his eyes.  _We need a fucking petition,_ he thought. The elevator bell rung. It was then that Dan realized he never sent Erin a message back.   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box by Radiohead. I dunno why. I just feel like it kind of fits here.


	14. March 30th, 2015 - London, England

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dane alerts Dan to something on the internet.

"Dude, I have to say, you looked incredibly dapper in all the carpet photos from yesterday," Dane said. 

"Of course I fucking did," Dan said, balancing his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he typed on his laptop. "Everyone knows I look great in blue suits. Not sky blue though, then we get a Smurf-like effect that just... isn't okay." 

"Right," said Dane. "Hey, so, if you're done checking football scores, check out this link."

"A link? Are you Rick Rolling me again?"

"No, no, I couldn't possibly do that to you thrice in one month, you gullible bastard. It's just too evil."

Dan could tell Dane was smiling as he spoke. 

"It's not porn either?"

"Maybe, maybe not." 

"So it  _is_ porn, you dirty-" 

"I mean, if you don't want me to show you-" 

"Alright then, send me whatever it is, I'm sure you've done worse in the past."

"Just  _look_ , dude!" 

Dan sighed and clicked the link that had popped up on his Facetime page. His browser opened to Change.org. 

He raised an eyebrow. 

"Is... is this real?" 

"Fuck yeah, dude." 

Dan was staring at a photo of himself, Dane, and John Krokidas, all smiles. Above it the words  _Greenlight Young Americans_  stood in plain black lettering. He looked at the signatures bar - over 5,000 had signed already. Dan's stomach dropped. He was silent for a few seconds, his mouth open and smiling. 

"Well!" he finally exclaimed. 

"I know," Dane said. 

"Shall we start researching the roles now, then?" 

"What, you haven't started yet?" 

* * *

 

That night in his shower, Dan masturbated furiously, his thoughts of Dane fucking him into oblivion in some beautiful, dark bedroom somewhere in his mind. Not like Dan actually understood the nitty gritty mechanics of sex with a man other than what John Krokidas told him forever ago, back during the KYD scene...but he could... imagine...

As he toweled off afterwards, Dan hoped Dane was doing the same, and he hoped when they were both in New York again they could actually try _something_ below the belt. The last time they had kissed had been in February on that glorious night before they grew busier than ever. Dan had been aching for Dane ever since, but wouldn't let on over the phone. He knew Dane was still negotiating things with Anna. Maybe four days after they had spoken while Dan was in Macau, Dane texted asking about decent apartments in Manhattan, and he couldn't help but wonder if Dane would choose to separate from her.

He knew he wasn't  _supposed_ to want one of his closest friend's relationships to fail.

He just... well... semi-secretly hoped he wouldn't have to feel as guilty when Dane's name echoed off the glass surrounding the hotel shower. 

The space and time apart were only good in the sense that the two of them could have some time to think things through. At least, that's what Dan appreciated. He found he was only more attracted to his former co-star, or rather, considering what he discovered today, hopefully future co-star. He wanted to explore. He wanted to see what it felt like to hold Dane close, to watch his face during an orgasm, to feel his own body open up, pain be damned. He wanted to spend more than one night with this man, having sex and talking and just  _being_ with each other. 

And damn it, he wanted to eat poutine afterwards. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Living on the edge of RPF by integrating the actual petition to get Young Americans made... I can only hope they were as excited about it as we all are.


	15. April 16th, 2014 - West Village, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Dan and Dane do their MTV spot with Josh Horowitz.

The MTV spot had been Dan's favorite part of April. He was proud of what he had written for the  _Snowy River_ pitch, and a bit more proud that he didn't simply laugh uncontrollably through the entire spot whenever Dane would time a joke just right. On this breezy, unseasonably warm Wednesday, Dan lounged on his apartment balcony with Erin, who was immersed in a book. Occasionally she'd take a sip of her iced tea and inadvertently show off her deep mauve lipstick, of which Dan was quite fond. Dan had earmarked his own novel because he had decided to call Dane and leave him an obnoxious message, delivered entirely in his Brooklyn accent. Surprisingly, Dane had picked up, and proceeded to verbally joust with him about their fake film. 

"This has to be an _actual_ film, okay?" 

"Right, you know the actual live, improvised sex part is going to be a bit of work for me, but I'm sure my penis can handle anything that gets thrown at it," Dan replied, still working the accent. 

"I mean, naturally. I assumed you were up for the job," said Dane. Dan wondered which one of them would break the serious streak first. 

"Well of course I am," Dan scoffed. "I personally feel that your singing is a bit lacking, if I'm being honest."

"Really! Sorry we aren't all experienced broadway singers, excuuuse me for giving it my all." 

"Gotta give more if you're gonna be in this business, DeHaan." Erin looked up and rolled her eyes for the third time during the phone call. Dan was so pleased with himself he was grinning from ear to ear. 

"What is the secret past thing gonna be?"

"You... don't know? I thought I made that quite clear," Dan scolded him.  

"I... missed it, boss," -  _boss_ , Dan thought -  _good lord_... "Can you bring me up to speed?" 

"It's obvious isn't it? Their secret past is about how they were raised by street rats, like literally the actual rodents, and then were initially pushed into the drug trade - er, pharmaceuticals, if I'm being technical. They'd be dragged along by drug reps to free lunches at hospitals and spruced up to try and use their cuteness to sell pills to old men in coats."

"How shocking!" 

"That's why my character is so sex driven, you see, he feels like he was never good enough for the drug companies and now uses sex as a way to feel good about himself. And his penis." 

"Right. His penis. His Brooklyn, secret pain penis. Do secret pain penises get Brooklyn accents, too?" 

Dan felt his cheeks flush at the continued mention of penises, particularly _Dane_ mentioning penises, and grew red enough for Erin to take notice and poke him in the cheek with her straw. He grabbed the straw out of her hand and put it in his mouth. Erin's lips formed a little mauve 'o' and her eyebrows knit together. 

"Er... right. Of course. Yes. Hey, you know what, I've actually got to run Dane." 

"Sure thing man. Good talk..."

Erin snatched her straw back from his mouth and shoved his shoulder.

"Yes, brilliant. Let's kickstart this thing off the ground soon." 

"Excellent. And just to let you know, you broke first." 

Dane hung up.

Dan stared at his phone and swore under his breath. 

"I swear I'm laughing internally," Erin told him from behind her book, now stirring her iced tea with the hard-won straw. 

"One of these days you're going to think my Brooklyn accent is genius, too. Matter of time."

"You know that's the fourth time you guys have spoken this week?"

"Is it?" Dan knew that very well, of course, but didn't want to let on. "I uh... didn't realize..." 

"Yeah! Glad you're kind of putting all that... effort into the relationship I guess."

Dan sighed. It didn't take effort. None at all. 


	16. April 24, 2015 - West Village, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Erin meet up, and Dan realizes something important.

“So… how have you been?” 

“Alright.” She took a drag from the cigarette, placed in the precise middle of her dark red lips, unsmiling. He couldn’t read her when she wore sunglasses, not as well as he could a few months prior. 

“Good. That’s good. Right?”

“Yeah. I mean, mostly just been finding work, finding nice dogs to pet, the usual.”

Dan half-smiled. He tugged his sweatshirt hood over his baseball cap, as the paparazzi were surely lurking. Friday afternoons in Manhattan always buzzed like this. Dan and Erin strolled along, not quite close enough together to seem like they were in a relationship.

They hadn’t spoken in person since they broke things off, and it was Dan who reached out first. Initially, Erin didn’t respond, but after a couple of weeks of silence she finally returned his lone text message (“hey”) with another lone text message (“when?”). Dan was somewhat taken aback when she arrived at his apartment. The long term forgetting and consequent moment of awe at how lovely people looked in person happened to him a lot while he worked, and he was particularly struck by her today. Dark clothes, dark lips, dark hair, bright eyes. She was stunning. He felt small next to her in his ratty sweatshirt and wiry beard. 

He clutched his bag from _Late Night_ as they headed to one of their old brunch spots in the West Village.

“I miss you,” he said as they rounded a corner onto a busier street.

 “I… yeah. Me too,” Erin sighed, tapping her fingers so ashes dropped from the cigarette butt, singeing the sidewalk. “It’s weird, like, it feels like being apart from my best friend for too long after a big fight.” 

“Yeah." 

Silence. Dan watched her take another long drag. 

“Uh, when did you uh… start smoking this much?”

“Oh,” she answered, blowing out grey wisps. “I guess since we started this break. Like you know how sometimes I’d occasionally smoke with you at parties? I kind of went to a lot more parties, and it’s just kind of become normal.”

“Sorry,” Dan said, staring at the sidewalk. A large group of children squeezed past him. He ached for a cigarette.  

“S’okay. Of all the bad habits, at least this one isn’t _immediately_ fatal.”

“Right.” They crossed a street and turned right. Dan could smell waffle fumes from the place wafting down the block.

“Dan, why did you want to meet today?”

“I suppose, well, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.”

Erin stopped walking near a lightpost. She cocked an eyebrow and took off her sunglasses, something she almost never pulled in public. He watched her hazel eyes watching him.

“Okay. Shoot.”

“Erin,” he hushed his voice. “I’m still… I have feelings for _him_. A lot.”

“I see.” She put her sunglasses back on and continued walking. It took Dan a second to get his legs to move again.

“Jesus, sorry. You don’t need to hear-" 

“It’s okay.”

“It kind of isn’t-”

“C’mon.” She folded her arms.

“But… okay, in spite of that, I miss you. You’re my best friend. I hurt you, and it’s selfish to even ask you to let me back into your life, but… can you give me a chance? Please?”

Erin sighed and shook her head.

“Dan, I have a very hard time saying no to you. Obviously, I mean, I still love you, and I think even if you love him, you love me too. I can tell. I don’t think you’d have met with me today if you didn’t. And I _do_ want us to be friends. I’m just not… I need to take it slow with this-” she made a circle around their heads with her fingers “- _thing_ … okay?”

“Understood.”

“I want us to be friends,” she repeated, and looked at him with a small smile. “Can I do this? Just…”

He blushed when her familiar palm met his own. They walked a bit farther like that, hand in hand. Eventually they reached the threshold of the breakfast place. Dan caught their reflection in the window, and in seeing this he finally realized the difference between Dane and Erin. With Dane it was exhilarating, each moment pulling him in deeper through a complicated positive feedback loop. With Erin it was like coming home - comfortable and easy, a sort of safety net. It was how it always was.

She let go of his hand first.

“Feels a little like it used to.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“Cigarette?” Erin offered him one from her pack. “I rolled them myself, learned a thing or two from you.”

“Nice handiwork… Thanks.” Dan plucked one from the cardboard box and watched her pull out a turquoise lighter. He sucked in and let the warm smoke fill him up.

“So, you gonna tell me more about what the fuck is going on with you two? Anna called me pretty upset the other day about him trying to move out or some shit.”

“Moving out?” Dan said and immediately coughed in surprise, trying to play it cool by scratching his beard.  _That’s new_ , he thought. “Er, yeah I’ll tell you. But first, waffles.”


	17. March 28th, 2012 - Columbia Campus, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan on the set of KYD when filming that one particular scene...

Allen’s eyes bulged as the librarian took him in her mouth. His lips fell open… slowly formed a grin…

“Cut, cut. Aaaaaaalright, let’s go for six,” John Krokidas announced. “Reset! Remember Dan, this is a brand new experience for Allen. The look on your face has to be just-”

“Shock and awe?” Dane suggested. He looked rather pleased with his remarks, grinning just off camera. A few people hooted.

“Jesus, Dane-” Dan grumbled, looking up to see Ben Foster with one raised eyebrow. Erin snorted where she was kneeling, laughing half into Dan’s crotch. He didn’t really mind, though – he found he sort of fancied her laugh, even if it was a foot from his dick. 

They’d already completed a few takes where Reed shot Dan grabbing Erin’s hair near the part where Allen finally comes, the parts where Dane is watching with heavy eyelids and a hint of a smirk on his face. Dan wondered how he’d pay Dane a compliment on his way of looking so damn good and acting so convincingly for this particular scene. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say Dane actually _did_ like to watch him receive head.  

“That… Dane… sure. Yes! Shock and awe. Good. Less smiling. More… overwhelmed that this is a thing that’s happening in the universe and caught up in the feeling of it, almost scared. And then of course, caught up in Lucien.” John suggested as Dan nodded.

“Just helping out a friend,” Dane shrugged from behind the bookcase as Erin snickered. Dan shook his head. John then motioned to Reed, who steadied the camera on her shoulder and nodded. “Take six… action!" 

“It’s not like I’m a virgin. I’ve done it with _three guys_ already. You’re a virgin, huh?”

Erin as Gwendolyn grabs his cheeks in one hand and lays down a smooch. Allen’s eyes widen in terror and his glasses skew. She pulls back and he gasps.

“You’re _kind_ of a virgin, though, huh?”

“No,” he lies.

“ _Liar_ … if you _have_ done it before, you’ll last for thirty seconds. _Start counting_.”

Dan feels her unzip his pants and feigns trying to stop her, but she has started to fake-suck him off. His eyes widen and his mouth falls open, this time unsmiling, just like the first time this _really_ happened in his life, when the overwhelming pleasure and the sensation of being completely engulfed caught him so off guard that he almost didn’t enjoy it.

“One… two…”

And then there’s Dane – _Lucien_ – his icy blue eyes unmoving, watching him.

“Three…"

 

"Four…”

Allen’s eyes are still wide and now glued on Lucien, who has decided to lean back against the bookcase and watch the show. He watches her head bobbing. 

“Five…”

Something strange happens. Dan knows he’s acting, summoning the feeling of seeing the person he really wants right in front of him as he’s wrapped up in another, and somehow it’s… effortless. Lucien’s gaze is hypnotizing. Dane’s gaze is hypnotizing. He’s not sure who is who, and he’s… into it. Their eyes meet. It’s  _ _filthy_._

“Yes,” he hears John hiss under his breath. The camera zeroes in on Dan.

“Six... seven..." He stares into Dane’s eyes, and for some reason he can’t look anywhere else. He couldn’t if he tried. A thought flashes through his mind for a split second – _Dane on his knees, his lips around Dan, eyes locked on him, his tongue_ … 

"Eight…” Allen grasps Gwendolyn’s hair tight in his fist. She makes a small, surprised noise. Lucien’s eyes bore into him, unwavering, and Allen feels something gripping in his chest. A day might have passed while they looked at each other.

“Nine…” and Dan nearly stumbles forward with a small gasp, having reached Allen’s orgasm while accidentally pressing Erin’s nose onto his pants. His pulse thrums loudly in his ears.

Lucien, satisfied, slinks away.

“Cut! Nice! Let’s take five,” John shouted. Dan finally relaxed and Erin stood up. Dane walked back around the bookcase corner and trudged off set without a word to either of them.  

“Jeez, watch the hair there Radcliffe,” she teased him, massaging the back of her head.

“Sorry,” he said, his face flushed. “Guess I overdid it a bit.”

“Looks like John liked it, though,” she nodded towards their director who was excitedly chatting with Reed while she played the film back for him. 

“See? Just helping out a friend,” Dane repeated his joke and clapped a hand on Dan’s shoulder. Dan, still recovering, couldn’t quite smile, instead sporting a sort of constipated look that just made Dane laugh harder. 

“Right. Where’re my cigarettes,” Dan muttered. While everyone took a break, he strolled off set to some empty chairs and rummaged in the jacket he'd brought for his stash. He noticed he needed more cigarettes just after the more intimate scenes with Dane these days and wondered when the increased cravings would stop. An arm stretched from behind him just as he pulled one out. 

"Pff, you don't need all those." Dane plucked the cigarette from it's box and placed it between his lips. Dan whipped around. 

"You're gonna be using that?"

Dane's eyes smiled in a way that said  _no, obviously, just pissing you off_. 

"Right, well, I'll be taking _that_ back then," Dan shrugged and pulled the cigarette out of Dane's mouth. His lips maintained the small 'o' for just a second longer than they should have, and Dan, watching, slowly put the cigarette between his own.

"My mistake," Dane whispered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this scene.. like... we ALL know how much Dane absolutely kills it with just like... the look on his face for 0.4 seconds? HOW???? 
> 
> Anyway, I felt like the soundtrack here needed to be low and sexy and dark in a way, so my track of choice for this chapter is Henry Lee by Zammuto. Check it. I feel like it works really well.


	18. April 25, 2015 - Somewhere over the continent of Africa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's got 17 hours and the events of an evening visit on his mind. Preeeeetty NSFW. Will be editing later, just wanted to get this trash up here.

“You up?”

Dan flinched, clawed his way out from under his blanket, and made a noise that sounded a lot like ‘whazzerm.’ He leaned up on his elbow to look out the window and groaned at the sight - miles of breathtaking, wispy hills and valleys.

“Clouds still? We close?” 

“Still at 32,000 feet, but landing in like, 30,” Sam said. He cocked an eyebrow at Dan’s general appearance, which could probably have been comparable to, say, a stray dog or an unkempt garden bush. 

“ _God_ I need to smoke,” Dan grumbled. “Fuck.” He burrowed back under his blanket and fumbled for his headphones.

“You’ll survive the next half hour,” Sam rolled his eyes and strolled back to his seat.  “Just thought I’d give you some notice.” 

The flight from JFK to Johannesburg lasted 17 hours. While Dan loved to travel to new places, plane rides like this made him antsy. He couldn’t smoke, he couldn’t sleep, and he couldn’t really _do_ much of anything when he grew restless. That time he tried to play the games on his plane television he wound up losing every time (a lasting effect of his dyspraxia) and spent the remainder of that unpleasant flight in a foul mood. The other thing about long plane rides was obvious – the time, loads of it, stale like the cabin air. Time to think, to dwell on moments that would stay with him forever or, hopefully, dissipate sooner rather than later.

He had gotten through four entire punk records, re-read several chapters of _The Master and Margarita_ , watched some early episodes of _The Simpsons_ , and grown terribly hungry (once he’d read that Anthony Bourdain wouldn’t eat until he got to a new place in order to simultaneously avoid airline food and try local cuisine upon his arrival). Still, these distractions weren’t enough. He hoped being on the other side of the planet would eventually be enough to keep his mind off of what Dane motherfucking DeHaan did to him just the day before.

* * *

 _***32 hours earlier*** _  

_1 new text message – Dane-the-Haan_

_you free?_

Dan had returned to his apartment from his waffle date with Erin a few hours ago and was trying to motivate himself to finish packing. He was leaving for Cape Town in the fast-approaching morning. In the midst of rolling his socks into balls, his phone buzzed, and he subsequently found himself wondering how irresponsible it would be for him to answer truthfully.

 _sort of_ he typed back.

He had barely started pulling t-shirts from his closet when his phone started ringing.

“Dane, hey,” Dan said as he picked up. 

“Dan! I’m outside your place.”

“This is probably considered stalking, yeah?”

“Not on purpose, asshole.”

“Right… Er, are you not working right now?”

“Traveling tomorrow.”

“Same.” 

“Listen, you wanna hang out?”

 _Tell him no_ , Dan thought. _He didn’t tell you he’s living on his own now. Tell him to piss off, damn it!_

“Ff-yyeah,” Dan spluttered. _Fuck._

“Great. Get down here, weirdo. I have to show you something. Hope you’re done packing.”

Dan sighed, stared woefully at his half empty suitcase, and headed for the door.

 

* * *

 

“Wow… this is your place?”

“Uh, yeah.” Dane sounded sheepish, a rarity for him.

“Looks nice.”

“I’ll admit it’s a little weird being alone. I’m just sort of hanging out here for a while… I uh, I’m still kind of figuring things out.”

“Sure,” Dan said, but he wasn’t really listening. He was too busy scoping out the beautiful hi-rise. He was struck first by the blinking city lights pouring in from wide windows and the glittering outlines of skyscrapers. The furniture was simple and elegant, probably included in the price since he knew full well Dane wasn’t the world’s most gifted decorator. There were newspapers and books strewn on his small dining table. Punk music played from another room. The place looked like it belonged to someone else, someone with more refined tastes, and Dane was nesting temporarily.

Dan walked to the floor-length windows and sighed. Views like this one reminded him he was lucky.

“Dan,” Dane called, and made his way to where Dan stood. “Look, we should talk.”

“Yeah, I’d say so,” Dan said. He heard the edge in his voice. “Considering the last time we were physically in the same room together was like, I dunno, after you kissed me and we woke up in my bed?”

Dane let out a long breath.

“Look, okay, I love Anna. I do. But I keep…thinking of you. Being in love with your wife and then having feelings for someone else isn’t convenient.”

“Sorry, I tend _not_ to be particularly convenient,” Dan spat, folding his arms and continuing to gaze out at Manhattan. 

“Dan, c'mon.” Dane took a step towards him. Dan stood his ground. “I think you and I both need to explore whatever the fuck this is. And I miss you, man. I miss hanging out. I miss talking until an ungodly hour about shit that means something. I need to…”  

Dan finally turned to look at Dane. For a split second, Dane watched Dan’s parted lips. And then they were kissing, finally, inevitably. It wasn’t like coming home. It wasn’t even that familiar. It was overwhelming and dirty and a little aggressive. Dan was acutely aware of ten fingers snaking into his hair, stiffness in his neck from craning his mouth up. Dane’s tongue tasted vaguely of lemon poundcake. 

“Fuck,” Dane growled. He pushed Dan away for a second to pull off his t-shirt while Dan did the same. They looked each other over and immediately came crashing back together. Somehow Dane ended up pressed up against a closet door at the mercy of Dan’s furious kisses. He held Dane’s neck in one hand and kissed his way to his clavicle, biting and sucking and attacking as much skin as his mouth could reach until Dane started panting.  

“Jesus Dan, where the fuck-”

“Shut up,” Dan said. “Where’s your bed?”

Without a word, Dane pulled Dan around a corner and shoved open his bedroom door. In the split second it took Dan to look around the room, Dane had taken him in his arms and pushed him down on the bed. They stared daggers at each other.

“Well?” Dan demanded. “What now?”

“So impatient,” Dane crooned in a singsong voice before pouncing on the bed. It didn’t take long before Dan was flat on his back with his pants at his ankles and his erection heavy between his legs. Dane kneeled above him and had one of his wrists pinned to the mattress. In that moment, Dan realized he was entirely exposed and unsure of what came next.  

“I uh, I dunno what the fuck I’m doing,” he blurted out. Dane grinned.

“Me neither,” he said. “I’m liking it so far though.” 

“You… you are?”

Dane nodded and started crawling.

“What’re you-” Dan started, and sucked in a breath. Dane nudged his knees apart and tugged Dan’s boxers down to his ankles. Dan’s cheeks were on fire. The air was cold on his cock. He stared at the gray ceiling and bit his lip. 

“Damn,” Dane whispered. 

“Shut up,” Dan hissed. He wasn’t necessarily _ashamed_ of his cock size, but he knew he wasn’t particularly blessed in _that_ department. He wondered if Dane was circumcised, too. 

“Dan, no, like, you're... incredible." 

Dan glanced up and breathed in sharply. Dane’s face, illuminated by the setting sun, betrayed raw lust in dark eyes and parted lips. His eyes were blue in a way Dan had never seen before. He looked like he needed to make someone moan. 

“Maybe… before I try…” Dane said in a low voice. “Can I watch you for a little bit? See what… works for you?” 

Dan swallowed and nodded. He was certain he was about to look ridiculous, more ridiculous than any of those times he had to wave around glorified drumsticks during _Potter_ , any of the times he was stark naked and raving in _Equus_ , and certainly more than the time he had to tackle all 6’2” of Jon Hamm.

“Yeah, yeah, that might be good,” he said with hollow confidence. Dan breathed out one long, slow breath, and closed his hand around himself. He shut his eyes and began to masturbate.

“What do you think about?”

“Lately? You,” Dan answered without hesitation, tugging a little faster. He thought about Dane tying him down and sucking his dick until he couldn’t stand it. He thought about Dane bending him over the bed, spreading him wide, and fucking him. He thought about sucking Dane off himself, even though he had no idea how, and suddenly he was gasping. 

“Stop,” Dane growled. Dan’s eyes flew open and there was Dane, fascinated and hungry, pushing his hand away and…  

“Too tight,” Dan croaked at the sudden pressure of Dane’s hand closing around him.

“Sorry.” Dane let up on his grip and started with slow, deliberate strokes.

“Mmmph,” Dan let out a strained noise and shuddered. He couldn’t think of anything witty to say to chide Dane for apologizing because he felt _too damn good_.

“Better?" 

Nodding, Dan twisted his head to the side and moaned. It had been so long since he’d gotten off that he knew he wouldn’t last long now. And as Dane became more confident, a familiar warm tingling spread from his toes up his legs until-

“Dane…” He bit his lip and came, hard, thrusting his hips to Dane’s hand.  

Initially, Dane just sat there staring at the messy aftermath while Dan tried to slow his breathing. He then grinned in triumph, leaving Dan panting and sticky on the bed while he retrieved tissues.

“My ears are still ringing,” Dan mused as Dane handed him some Kleenex.

“That means it was a good one.”

It took longer than usual for the delicious post-orgasm haze to dissipate. The feeling of fullness was new, somehow. He’d had plenty of great sex in the past, after all. With Erin it was always fantastic, but _damn_ , something about having a beautiful man’s hand around him, eyes on him, brought him to the edge hard and fast. It wasn’t necessarily better or worse – a man’s hand wasn’t necessarily different from a woman’s – it was just… clear. Crystal clear.

And suddenly Dan’s thoughts focused immediately on eliciting every sound he could from Dane’s mouth. He tugged his boxers back on while Dane washed his hands.

“Show me, then,” Dan said as soon as Dane returned from the bathroom. “Take off your pants and show me.”

“Yes _sir_ ,” Dane muttered as Dan grinned. He unbuttoned his jeans at a glacial pace, watching Dan watching him, and kicked them off his legs.

Confidence sprung from somewhere in Dan’s mind and he found himself pressed up against Dane’s body, running his hands along his narrow shoulders, his hard nipples, his thin belly. 

“Exploring?” Dane asked. Dan looked up and dragged one hand between Dane’s legs. He didn’t really know what to expect, being with a guy. He dipped his fingers into the waistband, his eyes still locked on Dane’s.

“A bit.” He plunged his fingers down and took Dane in his hand.  

Heat. Soft flesh. It was bizarre – it kind of felt like his own, just a bit bigger. He looked up and saw Dane’s eyes closed and lips parted. Vulnerable.

“Alright?”

Dane nodded. With his other hand Dan pulled him in for a kiss with closed lips. They wound up on the bed again, this time with Dane belly up. Dan lay down and watched him masturbate for a time and wondered if he’d ever be able to get his strokes just right. He could have just watched this, the sheen of sweat on Dane’s pale skin, eyebrows narrowed in concentration, but he finally took the leap and brushed his fingers along Dane’s navel, finally nudging his hand away. 

“So what do _you_ think about?” Dan made a small circle with his thumb and forefinger, just like Dane did, and tugged gently. First Dane moaned. Then-

“God… _fuck._ I think about… fuck. I think about you. I think about _fucking_ you.” 

Dan swallowed. “Yeah?”

“Fuck… yes,” Dane groaned when Dan sped his hand up. “I think about you on your knees with my dick in your mouth.”

“Jesus,” Dan said when he felt Dane’s precum on his thumb. “Am I any good?” 

Dane laughed. “Somehow you are.” His smile faded and he started moaning again, eyes wide open and glued on Dan. His hips bucked up and suddenly he came, panting, his hand gripping Dan’s thigh. 

They lay there for a few breaths. Dan was trembling, acutely aware that he had not let go of Dane and that warm cum had started sliding down his fingers.

“Tissues,” Dane growled. 

When they had cleaned up and pulled on their respective pants, Dane and Dan sat on the bed. Neither said a word for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time. 

“So,” Dan finally broke the silence. “I uh.. well I liked that. Ten out of ten. Bravo." 

“Yeah… yeah, me too,” Dane smiled.

“What uh… what now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Dan started. “I mean… this… I think this is important, yeah? Are we… what are we doing? What about your wife?”

“I don’t know, Dan. What just happened, I mean, it felt like it made sense. It always does when I’m with you.” 

Dan blushed. “I know that feeling. But…what… is this?”

Dane didn’t say anything.

“I don’t really know why the fact that you’re _still_ a married man didn’t stop me from doing this, but I’m not sure I can do this again if you’re still, I dunno, _committed_ to someone else.”

“I… told you how I feel about Anna.”

“I know that, but if this keeps happening, how can you-” 

“I know how to live my life, Dan, thanks.” They stared at each other.

“Then… I can’t… this isn’t happening again. I’m not going to do this to you guys again. I’m already kind of enough of a piece of shit for doing this in the first place.” Fuming, Dan pulled his shirt off the ground, shoved it over his head, and walked out of the bedroom.

“Dan, wait…” Dane came calling after him. “Let’s talk about this! DUDE!” But Dan was out the door. He bolted down the stairwell, his head spinning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for both the being in an airplane thing/the NSFW part of this chapter: A New Kind of Love by Imogen Heap. This is one of her rare songs and is available on Youtube. LISTEN. TO. IT. HOLY. SHIT. 
> 
> ... Also, the photo of that apartment apparently is of some ridiculously expensive one that some other celebrity people do actually own, and is not at all my content.


	19. May 6, 2015 - Cape Town, South Africa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Certainty about a big project gets Dan thinking about the future a bit. Short.

The second Dan heard he was getting a call from John Krokidas, he knew - the online petition Dane had shown him months before had served its purpose.  _Young Americans_ was on, Reed would be joining them again, and all would be right with the world. The report was set to hit the press that Friday. To celebrate this occasion, Dan made his bodyguard (not Sam this month) promise to accompany him to Table Mountain on their next day off. 

A year ago, Dan would have been ecstatic about the film finally getting the green light. That last evening in Manhattan before jetting his way to Cape Town, however, had left Dan vacillating between disgust at Dane's notion that he could easily maintain two relationships at once, and nagging desire to see him again as soon as possible. 

Every night after long days of filming for  _Game Changer_ and taking as many fan photos as he could, Dan would lie in his bed, simultaneously exhausted and wide awake, analyzing. Had he romanticized Dane too much?  _Obviously_ , he thought. At first, the novel electricity of being physically intimate with Dane was what kept him up at night. He still woke up many mornings at the tail end of dreams in which he and Dane found new beds to break in. But lately he also dreamed of lying around and coming up with ideas together, making each other laugh until they cried, just being stupid and eating pizza and playing Xbox until 4:00 AM. It was all he could do to put his head down, power through his work day after day, and not let his thoughts stray. 

Besides, it was clear that Dane was still madly in love with his wife. Even separated, their love was continually splashed across the Twitter feeds Dan secretly kept up with. It was no surprise - Dane and Anna were the forgiving people he knew, and would likely move back in together sooner rather than later. Whenever Dan reminded himself of this, he developed the strained feeling in his throat like he was about to cry. 

The overwhelming sense, though, was that of anticipation. Ironically, Dan felt he knew people best when they were working to become someone else, and perhaps when he and Dane reunited that fall for filming, something would fall into place and they would figure out how to be around each other again. He knew the film would be excellent because all the ingredients were there. He knew it would likely be the most fun he'd have had on a film set since _Kill Your Darlings_. And more work was always a good thing. 

Maybe by the time they started, he and Dane could go back to the way things were before.

Dan snorted at the thought. There was no going back.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	20. October 8th, 2015 - New Orleans, Louisiana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rehearsals have started for Young Americans and Dan is forced to reunite with his old co-star.

Dan lamented the semi-permanent loss of his beard quite loudly the morning he got his hair styled for Young Americans. Of course, Dane tried to make him feel better in his own way by incessantly reminding him how coked-out and wolf-like he appeared anytime he sported facial hair.

“You’re gonna look approachable now! It’s really for the best,” Dane had said, smiling widely from the neighboring salon chair as the team made sure he had grown out his hair long enough.

It had been a few months since Dan had last seen Dane. They texted a few times, but Dan was ten kinds of confused when he ran out of Dane's apartment that May evening after they'd been intimate. Initially, whenever he thought about Dane, he'd just get angry. And then he'd smoke too much, and then Sam would watch him with concern when he'd cough a cough that was a little too hacking for a man in his mid-twenties. And then he'd feel horrible and want to see Dane, and then get angry again, and the cycle continued.

When he first got back to New York after filming in South Africa, Dan did something he wasn't sure he'd actually built up the courage to do yet, but did anyway - he tried to reconcile with Erin. Clearly,  _she_ wouldn't go trying to maintain two relationships at once. She was better than him in just about every way, after all. She let him back in, he let her back in, and for a while, Dan was falling back into his old routines with her. They bought groceries together and held hands in public and ate pizza after sex. He went to her performances, she occasionally visited his sets, and when they were lucky enough to spend more than a few days in the same place, frequented local karaoke hot spots. It was comfortable.  _  
_

The closer they drew to the filming for  _Young Americans_ , however, the more Dan absentmindedly discussed Dane over a cigarette or during a meal or at random, whenever he was thinking about him. And Erin, being the insightful, non-bullshit-taking person she was, broke it off before Dan even knew what was happening. 

It was painful all over again, but because Dan went in knowing things were different, the second break up was different too. Mostly, he wanted to start work. And somehow, while the events that took place in Dane's apartment a few months ago were burned into Dan’s consciousness, the excitement of actually working with Dane, Reed, and John again made him forget his anger come the start of August. 

The timeline for  _Young Americans_  would be somewhat similar to that of Kill Your Darlings - a lot of filming shoved into a little over a month - but a bigger budget allowed for a little more creativity for John, easier movement from place to place across the Southern U.S., and yes, trailers for everyone who wanted them. They meant to start in August but pushed their dates back to October. It would still seem like summer in Louisiana, after all. 

John had pushed them all hard during improv that evening, but it was no surprise to anyone when Dan quietly asked Dane to stay up late working on scenes with him in his trailer. It was a well-established fact that Dan was the workaholic of workaholics, after all. 

It was hot outside, typical of an October night in New Orleans, and even with the air on everything in Dan’s trailer felt a little sticky.

“You wanna go again?” He asked as Dane took off his enormous Karl Rove glasses, rubbed his eyes, and yawned.

“I mean, yes, but we should refuel first,” Dane gestured to the spread of pancakes, waffles, and chicken wings Dan had ordered to the trailer.

“Right. Yeah I just realized I’m ravenous,” Dan agreed and placed some pancakes on a paper plate. They chewed in silence, sitting on the floor with their backs to the wall.

“So uh… how are… _things_?”

“Okay,” Dane shrugged. “I uh… yeah. I’m still on my own, you know.”

“Mm.” Dan shoved another large piece of pancake into his mouth and felt his cheeks burning. He remembered vividly the feeling of coming on Dane’s bed, vulnerable and warm and completely sure that was where he was supposed to be, and then the horrible feeling of sprinting down the staircase, unsure how he could face Dane again considering the reality of the situation. 

“It’s weird, like… she…” Dane started as Dan swallowed nervously. “She’s always been the one pushing me to do new things, take on difficult projects. I seriously wouldn’t have done the James Dean role without her. And I’m so fucking lucky to have her, but since everything happened… with you and the guy she was with… it’s like time with her has been a little off color, I guess. I feel like I’m you when you were telling me about Erin.”

“Off color, yeah,” Dan echoed. It was a perfect description - he still felt that way with his ex-girlfriend, like she was still one of the most important people, just tinted differently, somehow. And so it was with Dane and Anna.

“I mean, if I’m gonna be honest, which, with you, I have to be, I uh… we haven’t like… y’know…” he trailed off and made an obscene gesture with his hips. “We haven’t in months.”

Dan raised his eyebrows.

“Oh,” he said, clearing his throat afterwards. Dane shrugged his shoulders and took a bite of poutine.

“It just.. it’s off,” he said as he chewed. “And I mean, I think the hardest part has been knowing what I want to do and being scared to do it, you know?” He looked Dan straight in the eye.

“Yeah.” Dan immediately shifted his gaze back to his food.

“You know what’s weird? I don’t really feel like working anymore,” he announced when he finished eating. Dane cocked his head to the side when Dan grabbed his phone and flipped through his music, finally settling on an older The Black Keys album. “Thickfreakness” soon poured from Dan’s portable speakers and filled the trailer with thrumming, bluesy guitar. Dane put his plate on the counter and started tapping his foot. Though he clearly didn’t know the words and didn’t have the melody memorized, he hummed along anyway. He then stood up and began dancing around the trailer

“You wish you had moves like these,” he said as he jumped around to the crunchy blues guitar, flailing his arms in all directions. Dan laughed at the sight until Dane grabbed his arm and tried to pull him up.

“You better be careful, you’re forgetting I’m a _fantastic_ dancer,” Dan warned him when he got onto his feet. Dane went ballistic, shouting and laughing when Dan started moving expertly and singing as loud as he could.

When the song shuffled to “Hold Me In Your Arms,” Dan stood still and closed his eyes. It was getting late. He knew they’d be busy rehearsing early for the next couple of days before shooting… but he started dancing again anyway, singing along as he went.

“ _I need you… I need you by my_ -”

“Dan, I um, I’m sorry.”

He stopped singing abruptly

“For what, insulting my beard all week? I don’t accept,” Dan said firmly before launching back into singing.

“No, dude, listen.” Dane grabbed his shoulder and Dan finally stopped. “I mean for what happened in April.

“Don’t be stupid, don’t apologize,” he mumbled, shaking his head.  

“No, I owe you this,” Dane said seriously, watching Dan scoff at him. “I uh… I was trying to do something that wasn’t okay. I have to tell you… we’re probably going to get a divorce.”

“Shite,” Dan said as his stomach twisted into knots. The music seemed distant now.

“Like, for real. Amicably, amazingly, and I think she and I are still gonna be friends. Y’know, she actually asked me. I was scared to ask her and then _she_ asked _me_. It was kind of a relief.”

“Huh. Wow.”

Dane leaned against the trailer wall and sighed.

“You know what I’m going to ask you, right,” Dan started. “What now?”

And in that moment, his blue eyes sultry, lips pursed, skin barely illuminated in the dim trailer light, Dane was as beautiful as ever, and the look on his face was answer enough.

It took Dan three slow steps to close the gap. They kissed deeply, then desperately, like at any moment they’d be torn away from each other. But of course they weren’t. They laced arms around shoulders and fingers around wrists and every part of one touched the other. The feeling of Dane’s soft lips on his newly shaved skin made Dan moan, and every time he ran his fingertips along Dane’s spine, Dan could feel him shiver.

“I think this might do weird things to the Rove-Atwater relationship if we keep this up,” Dan whispered when Dane tilted his chin up to kiss his throat

“Well, we’ll just have to work hard on keeping things separate, won’t we,” murmured Dane as he dipped a finger into the waistband of Dan’s gym shorts.

Dan felt, as he did every time he and Dane melted together, so sure of what he was doing. It was a certainty that nearly matched his certainty that he’d act for the rest of his life. It was beyond himself, powerful, inexorable. He was exactly where he was supposed to be.

 


	21. December 23, 2015 - Manhattan, NYC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes. Dan and Dane experiment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty NSFW... also hilarious because I have no clue how to write smut????

The little purple bottle of lube lay on the bed, alone, the words ‘silicone-based’ plastered in bright pink letters across the top. One might have thought it was an anchor, lying heavy on the mattress. Or maybe it was loaded with millions of volts of electricity, based on the way neither of the two young actors seemed to want to pick it up.

“So… do we…” Dan said, pulling at his ear as he trailed off. When Dan first thought about having sex with Dane, it was abstract. Initially they were just shadows in his dreams that moved together. Over time, his fantasies involved a lot of Dane tying him to the nearest object and fucking him from behind, but still it was murky, somehow. The actual sex was always blurred and perfect. It made for outstanding masturbation on several occasions, but now, after having already tried (and failed) three other times to start a coherent sentence addressing the very real logistical difficulty of trying to have anal sex with another man for the first time, Dan worried he had built up an experience he didn't understand, an experience that might be horrible and unforgettable in the worst sense of the word.

At this point, Dane wasn’t even looking at the bed. He just sort of looked at Dan with his head cocked to the side, as he often did.

The time leading up to this moment was full and fleeting. After _Young Americans_ wrapped, Dan and Dane had hooked up when they could, but considering the touring and the interviewing and paparazzi and their other ongoing respective projects, this was a rarity. They hadn’t kissed again throughout any of the filming because they knew it might affect their characters, and Dan certainly didn’t want to get any shit from John about another romance that blossomed on the set of one of his films. Dane seemed a little distant anyway, perhaps due to the reality of his divorce with Anna setting in, so Dan gave him his space as much as he could in the weeks following their publicity gigs.

Fall eventually turned into winter, and occasionally they’d both be in New York on a Tuesday and find the quietest brunch spot they could agree upon, talking until their fourth round of coffee grew cold. Rarer still, they’d make their way back to Dan or Dane’s apartment, where they’d kiss and touch and explore as much as they could. Dan reckoned he was getting a bit better at handling man parts that were not his own, though he felt that much more motivated to improve whenever Dane would effortlessly bring him to the edge in a way that Dan couldn’t quite fathom, a way that always, always left his knees weak.

It was Dane that first suggested they explore penetrative sex. Throughout their previous hookups, Dane had gently prodded Dan in that most sensitive of places with overwhelmingly positive feedback, but they never really went beyond that. Dan, of course, had been thinking about it in all of the ways, traditional and kinky alike, that one could possibly think about it, but his anxiety about performing poorly rendered him a stammering mess when Dane brought it up. Dane had responded by kissing him quiet, then raising the possibility once more, calmly. Dan still stammered the second time.

But now here they were, satisfied from a breakfast of Frappuccinos and a pair of gourmet scones Dane found in a hole-in-the-wall bakery with orange wallpaper (the one Dan fell in love with the moment he saw it), having agreed to try and upon a time and date to meet up in Dane’s apartment per one of their overlapping holiday vacation days they had strategically allotted for this occasion.

“I ehm… tried to do a bit of research,” Dan offered, digging for his phone in his pocket.

“You would,” Dane said.

“What?” Dan looked up from the screen reading ‘Anal Sex: Noob Edition’ he pulled from a raunchy, incredibly informative digital magazine.

“You _would_ ,” Dane said again, smirking. “It’s okay. I did too.”

“I um, I’ve been doing a bit to prepare on my own... and I’ve been eating a little better, I just-”

“Dan.”

“-need a fucking cigarette-”

“ _Dan_.”

He looked up, and Dane was suddenly _thisclose_ , and Dan melted into him, dropping his phone onto the carpet as he did so. Between kisses, Dan looked at Dane’s eyelashes, feathery gold in the late morning light. He watched the way Dane’s bottom lip dropped when he’d run his fingers along his jaw.

“Now that getting you in my bed isn’t somehow wrong or forbidden, I think I might be bored with you,” Dane murmured as he kissed along the shell of Dan’s ear. Dan was facing the wide window in Dane’s room, and for a moment he had a perfect view of snow starting to fall in front of the surrounding buildings, flickering and glittering in the sun. He breathed in deeply, holding Dane’s jaw for a brief moment before pulling him off.

“Bastard,” Dan retorted. He shoved Dane onto the bed with both hands and immediately straddled him, kissing him with more gusto and more tongue than usual.

“I propose we start in the shower then migrate here, and after, no matter how it goes, we play Mario Kart.” Dane raised his eyebrows and waited for Dan to respond.

“Fair enough,” Dan finally said, unable to hide yet another smile as Dane started shuffling towards his bathroom door.

* * *

The water was almost too hot, but the feeling of Dane’s tongue in his mouth and fingers in his beard were distraction enough for Dan from this minor discomfort. Mostly they alternated kissing and cleaning and kissing again. Dan relished his opportunity to trace the grooves in the muscle patterns along Dane’s spine as he shampooed his hair.

“You know that’s the first time we’ve showered together,” Dan said afterwards, running towel across his damp chest. “Monumental occasion.”

“Truly,” Dane exclaimed. “I’m not sure I fully realized how fucking hairy you are up until today.”

“And I didn’t realize you were so pale that you’re see-through.”

“No Dan, that’s you too.”

“I… you’re a praying mantis.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, the pale and hairy isn’t _bad,_ per se-”

Dan started laughing his stuttering, weasel-y laugh, the laugh that came out most often when he was both amused and flattered, thus also the laugh that he laughed around Dane. Dane was smiling too, his hair sticking in all directions, laughing harder as Dan laughed harder. And then they were kissing again, a damp, warm kiss, a kiss that lasted an entire day, it seemed. And when they broke apart, heat had pooled between Dan’s legs, and Dane’s blue eyes were electric - _ready._

* * *

“Alright, just, just go slow, I guess? Or maybe it’s like a bandage, just kind of get in quick so the worst bit is over with-”

“Hey,” Dane whispered, leaning forward on his mattress. He took Dan’s cheek in his hand as his lips formed a small smile. “First of all, I’m not going to Band-aid rip your ass, because that is the worst idea you’ve ever had. Second, we don’t have to do this right now, okay? I literally have no timeline for doing this with you, and also I’m kind of scared out of my mind because I’m probably going to hurt you and that fucking sucks, so…uh… yeah.”

Dan swept his eyes from Dane’s gaze to the erections between both of their legs and back again. Dan swallowed at the sight of the condom on Dane, the reminder that  _yes, Dan, this is that thing you have been dreaming about. That scary thing you really, really want._ He knew they had taken enough time to stretch him beforehand. He knew Dane would absolutely stop right then and do something else entirely if it didn't feel right for them both. 

“It does sort of fucking suck,” Dan eventually shrugged. “But I... I want this. It might be a disaster and I want it anyway. C’mon then.”

Dane nodded. He nudged a pillow under Dan’s ass and raised his knees towards Dan's head, anchoring them there with his shoulders. He squirted a little more lube onto his fingers and applied it over Dan, watching him shudder in response.

"You know you look incredible like this, right?"

"With my arse on display? Fantastic."

"Hey now," Dane said, "I'm not trying to be a superdick. It's just... you need to know how beautiful you are. You're irresistible, really."

Dan's face flushed and he looked away. But then Dane's fingers were touching his face, and he couldn't _not_ look back up at the expression that was so gentle that Dan almost forgot where he was.

"You too," Dan managed, reaching up to caress Dane's cheek. It wasn't enough, Dan thought, but it seemed like Dane understood as he kissed Dan's palm, positioned himself for a few seconds, and unceremoniously pressed forward.

When Dan filmed _Kill Your Darlings_ , John Krokidas had taken him aside a couple of times to discuss how he needed to look during the sex scene.

“It’s not an entirely pleasurable thing at first, okay? For most guys it’s apparently pretty painful initially but gets a little better over time.”

“Alright,” Dan had said, his arms folded and brow furrowed as he considered what he would do with his face to convincingly convey the pain and pleasure of sex he’d never had.

And as Dane slowly slid inside of him, Dan groaned, recalling those moments in which John emphasized the pain, and deciding that in retrospect, it was not at all exaggerated. There was pressure and burning and heat, so, so much heat. Every part of him was tense. He gripped Dane’s arm tight and shut his eyes, trying to steady his breathing.

“Fuck,” he finally spat out, twisting his head to the side. “Jesus fucking... fuck!”

“Yeah,” Dane said, his eyes wide. He continued to slide forward bit by bit until he was buried almost to the hilt, and they both let out long breaths.

Ten seconds. Out of the corner of Dan's eye, the snow outside the window was picking up. 

"D'you, ehm, d'you move now?"

Dan looked up to see his favorite pair of eyes were closed. At first Dan wasn't sure Dane had even heard him. Then-

"Not... until... I've had enough... of this feeling," Dane said softly. "And ...definitely not until you relax a little."

So Dan concentrated, inhaling slowly until he felt himself yielding to the pressure, and only then did Dane start with slow, deep thrusts that, despite the persistent, _burning_ pain, made his cock twitch and his mouth moan guttural, raw moans he didn't know he could produce.

"S'so nice, Dan, so... so good." Dane exhaled each word. Dan, finally used to the pain and once again aware of his surroundings, wrapped his legs around Dane's waist to push him a little deeper. Dane started laughing, tickled from Dan's chest hair, and leaned in for more kisses. As Dan's lips parted, he realized his pain was dull now, a fading hum in the background as the rhythm and sound and absolute symphony of Dane DeHaan overwhelmed his every sense. 

" _Please_ ," Dan groaned desperately into his mouth when he hit a new angle, an angle that left Dan curling his toes and reaching for his cock, tugging furiously in search of release. It was clear, as Dane leaned in to place sloppy kisses along his neck, that he was close. His thrusts grew erratic, a little painful, faster-

"Dan... I... I'm..." And as Dane tumbled into his orgasm, he took Dan's hand in his, finally losing himself, thrusting deeply and letting out a series of muffled cries into Dan's neck.

Dan, caught somewhere between the edge of coming and stinging fullness when Dane finally stilled inside him, gripped Dane's hand and did not let go, acutely aware that they were both trembling. And suddenly Dane's other hand was between his legs, pumping at just the right angle.

"Oh f-fuck, Dane," Dan shouted and thrust his hips up into Dane's palm. He looked into Dane's half-lidded eyes, chest heaving, his free hand grasping a handful of the comforter.

"Come for me, Dan," Dane said in a low voice, the one he'd used the first night they kissed. And Dan was there and he was here, he was in every moment that Dane looked into his eyes with the promise of pleasure, and he came with Dane's name on his lips.

* * *

Princess Peach was in the lead, zooming across some sand. Suddenly, a red turtle shell flew by. Then another. And a third, not missing it's mark like the others, slammed into the back of her kart. She went flying into the abyss while Yoshi took first place.

"Yes!" Dan pumped his fist in the air and watched as his little green dinosaur whizzed along to the final lap of Koopa Troopa Beach.

"God damn it! Again!" Dane nearly slammed his controller onto his floor. 

"Sucks to suck, dude."

"Shut up, I'm rusty."

"Excuses!"

Dan and Dane, lying naked in Dane's bed with a large pepperoni pizza between them, continued on to another round of post-coital Mario Kart. Dane insisted on reconsidering his character going into the next round and took his time flipping between Bowser and Toad.

"Hey, you wanna know something," Dan said as he munched on a slice. "I think... that I love you."

Dane glanced up from his controller and over at Dan. 

"You are choosing now, when I have been defeated twice already in a friendly, naked game of Mario Kart, to tell me this?"

Dan stared at the pizza thoughtfully.

"Absolutely."

"Hm." Dane shrugged, then looked Dan straight in the eye. "I love you too."

The twinkly character selection music played as they looked at each other.

"Yeah. I'm going with Toad. You're going down this time."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely the song that is inspiration for this chapter: Entanglement by Imogen Heap. LISTEN TO IT OH MY FUCK


End file.
